Dear ZhanSong,
I'm sorry for constantly being a wet blanket. I'm sorry for always being so pessimistic and having you go through those emotions with me. I'm sorry for forbiding you to talk about porn, sex or anything perverted. I'm sorry for always putting my friends first before you. I'm sorry for always being such a bitch and disappointing you. I'm sorry for being like this, ZhanSong, really.
Bii, the only thing that I'm not willing to do for you is to have premarital sex with you. I don't want us to be like how Victor Goh said; that I'd lose my status as a "goddess" and be demerited to a "slut". I don't want you to think I'm easy and then break up with me just because of all the small misunderstandings that'll soon build up after doing it. I know what I'm doing and saying, I don't want to lose you.
But if I don't, I'd lose you, maybe. I don't know. I'm really helpless, aren't I?
You know, Juztin talked to me two nights ago while you were at the temple. He told me to cheer you up by talking about weird stuff, and mostly about boobs. And Victor Goh talked to me too. He told me that if you truly mattered, I would love you wholeheartedly without Jonathan nor Ted burning in my mind, in my memories. But, he also told me not to give in just because you asked me to. Bii, zhen de, zhen de hen dui bu qi. Ke shi, chu le shuo dui bu qi, wo hai neng zuo shen me? What can I do, to prove it to you that I mean what I say, that I am sincere in my apologies? I'm really scared of losing you. Really.
I don't want anyone else to have you. And I meant it, when I said that I wanted to be your wife.
If I could, I would. I just want to hold you close, and never, ever let go. No matter what.
But bii, can we do that? I'm really scared of history repeating itself, scared of the pain. I don't want to cry anymore. I don't want to land myself in heartbreaks anymore. Bii, I really, really love you. And, you're never alone. Trust me, because I'm always here. No matter the distance, I'm here. Believe in me, I'll stay by your side forever if you'd let me, if God'll let me. Bii.., wan an.. Wo ai ni...
My chest hurts.
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