It's been a month.

So...as the title goes, this is going to be related to heartbreak. It's been a month since we've broken up. It's been a month since you've talked to me as a friend. It's been a month since I've been trying to let go, it's been a month since I've truly smiled. Every day before last week, I used to cry every night at the thought of you gone. I used to punch my cupboard, my knuckle would hurt a lot after that. I wanted to punch the cupboard so hard that I could cry and bleed, but my body won't let me. I used to fake smiles and post lots of things on Spamers, twitter and tumblr and any place else. I still do, except Spamers. I told them I liked someone else, but the truth is, I'm still not over you.

I tried to lie to myself, but it seems that after reading through all my previous tumblr posts, it just made me realize that I'm not over you. And I never will be. Because you've held on to a piece of my heart and you've taken it away from me. I just wish you could get over all your obstacles in your heart and just come back and stay. As Ingrid said, you just don't want to talk about relationship stuffs for the time being. Alright, I'll let you. But please, don't take too long. Because I'm tired of feeling emotional, tired of crying, tired of trying to smile and laugh despite the fact that I just want to bang my head against my wall and just kill myself.

And JiaWei told me that you may not be over me; you may not have forgotten me. I'm trying to convince myself over here, that you'd come back one day. I'm turning every fact that is turned against you, into those that help you. I'm convincing myself that, as Victor Goh said, this will work out and this is merely an obstacle that the two of us will have to face. I'm trying to convince myself that you'd love me again one day. I just hope.. Because right now, we're not even strangers.. I don't know you anymore.

Have you a clue how painful it gets when you purposely avoid looking at me and avoid going close to me? Have you a clue how many tears I've shed? Have you a clue how unhappy I get whenever someone insults you and tells me to cheer up and that it's not worth crying for a guy like you? I'd want to bash every single one of them up when they say that, because they don't know you. They just assume that you're mean and horrible and not the one for me just because we broke up. Have you a clue how much I've tried to avoid you but failed to? Every single day, I look at your timetable and just hope that I could see you. 

But I know I can't. Except during my P.E lessons, when you have P.E on Monday and D&T on Friday. Have you a clue how painful it gets to smile and act as if I'm happy and not broken without you? Have you a clue how painful it gets to face up to problems that I know I could never have gotten over without your guidance in the past? Have you a clue how many times your voice echoes in my head, telling me "I love you" so loud, in front of your friends, entering the foyer. Have you a clue how painful it gets when I see you smile, without me? But I guess this is 'sacrifice'. No matter how painful it gets, so long as you're happy, I'm okay. Because so long as you're happy, even if I'm not the reason, it just makes me feel at ease. 

Ong Zhan Song, I still love you.