After the camp when I went home and texted you, you were still feeling ill and was having a headache. I didn't dare bother you too much lest you get annoyed with me, but you didn't mind and you wanted me to talk to you. So I did. But you didn't reply much and they were either all one-word or late replies. I told myself, "He's sick. Don't bother him too much. Just give in and overlook this because he's ill, he shouldn't over-exert himself." I told myself that as I went to sleep. But that continued for the next few days. I got scared, I got scared and worried that you might be ignoring me because of something I said or done, or that you wanted to break up. So I went around consulting people and asking them for advice.
Turned out, majority of those that I asked got mad at you because you 'ignored' me. Meanwhile, I was stuck at home for those few days because I didn't have any mood to go out. I locked myself in the room and got worried and hugged the babypooh plush and told myself that it was all going to be alright. And you were nice again, soon after. But that only lasted for 30 minutes or so, our conversation, that is. This time, that night, I went to my brother. He told me that you wouldn't break up with me unless I've done something wrong. That assured me and I went to bed and slept soundly. On that day, I dreamt of you again. I dreamt of you in my house, on my bed. And I hugged you.
We didn't talk for days then. And on 7th June, I saw you online and I nearly got so mad at you I just wanted to confront you and scold you. But I didn't dare to. And on that night...you sent me a text. And with that, I headed to my laptop immediately, only to see my inbox message telling me that you wanted to break up. I didn't know how to react. Friends on Facebook saw my relationship status and they told me to cheer up. After that, after midnight, I went back to my room and just cried. I felt torn apart, and I just wanted to throw everything and tear everything apart. I cried like fuck for the next few days and I constantly punched the cupboard until my knuckle was completely numb. Even then, I forced my hand and went ahead and punched so hard, my knuckle was scraped and blood started flowing out. No one knew, no one noticed.
So I went back to Malaysia after that. I tried to let go of everything and just enjoy my stay there since I was there. But I couldn't. On the way back there I just kept crying as I remembered all the things we did. I couldn't help it. I was in the car, and I just cried. But I didn't let out a sound. And no one noticed because it was night. Those nights were the worst days of my life. I don't ever want to dare think that I'm fine when I'm secretly in so much pain. I crushed on 2 other guys during this period of time but the periods were short and didn't last too long. It felt horrible when I constantly went back to you and tried to get over you, time and again. I told myself that you're a flirt and tried to use it as a reason to get over you, but it doesn't help at all because my heart and mind aren't in sync. My heart wanted you back so much..
Friends keep telling me that it's easy to get over someone when they either haven't had crushes or haven't had been in relationships. They had no idea how I felt and there they were, thinking that I'm fine just because I laugh with them when deep down, everything felt torn. Ingrid was the only one who actually bothered to ask further and bothered to take notice when I was trying to give clues about how I felt. She bothered, no one else did. No one. But I guess I shouldn't rely on anyone too much anymore lest history repeats itself and I'm all alone again.
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