I read a lot of posts on tumblr. A lot of them were related to you, one way or another.. I just feel so lost, knowing that we can't be friends so long as one of us still loves the other. And in this case, it's me. I'm the reason and the barrier between us. Because of my feelings, there's just no way for me to just talk to you like some other ordinary dude I talk to all the time, especially when you know..that I've a crush on you, still.
"Be a lover, not a fighter. But always fight for what you love." I've seen that quote so many times, it's cliched. But...even so, I know I can't. I can't fight for what I love because I don't know how to because of my fears. I fear that you might not even care even if I win, much less, if I lose. If I lose the battle, I would not even have the guts to face you anymore. I just can't do it.. And honestly.., I miss how we used to be.
I wonder if you still keep the monthsary gift I gave to you. I wonder if you still keep that timetable I made for you which took me a night, and I lied to you telling you that I was going to bed when I was still up and awake, risking myself to be exposed by my parents 'cause they were awake, too. I wonder if you do still think of me once in a while, but I know I'd just be lying to myself if I said you do. I wonder if you still remember all the things we did, all the special dates of our firsts. In fact, I wonder if you still remember me.
Did you know? In 5 days time, it would've been our fourth monthsary, if we were still together. We could have, but we didn't make it. And in another month and five days, it'll be my birthday and our supposed-to-be fifth monthsary. And I guess...I won't have anyone to spend it with again this year. Rather disappointed but..oh well. 16 is quite a common number, ain't it? I've been seeing it all over the place recently. I still keep that Maths worksheet you did for me. I still keep the memories, because you've never given me anything solid to keep, and you do know, I didn't mind. And I won't, ever.
I've been having suicidal thoughts again, lately. No one knows. No one ever will, except for those who read this blog. This link's displayed on only my Youtube account, apparently. My Facebook's blog website was removed 'cause I set its privacy to "Friends of Friends". Not only suicidal thoughts, but I also wish to run away. Like, just hide from anything and everything. A place neither friends nor family can find me. A place that has peace, and a place no one will ever think of, to find me. I'd like that, even if it's just for a day.
Sure, I might feel alone. But...I might just be able to see who would care enough to miss me. In fact, I just want to die and see who would miss me, who would regret not cherishing me and who would regret other stuffs. But I bet, none will. Even if my friends- classmates- keep telling me to stop emo-ing, deep down, I know they've long given up. They just treat me as a hangout buddy and a "shield" to help them fight the guys because they get "bullied". That's what I am to them. In fact, I'm nothing.
Today, one of them said this: "I can't believe this. YiLin is such a vulgar person yet she's allowed to try a trial to get into the (Chinese Orchestra) committee?!" so sarcastically. I know it was meant as a joke, but she had no idea how much it hurt, deep down. They told me to change, and they told me they'd give me time. I did try, I am trying. But your judgment ain't helping at all.. Are you sure, you're my friends? :'/
I know I sound kiddy but..it's what I think. So yeah, I'm practically just ranting it all out and I guess there's no need for you people(if any), to read this. But if you did..., thanks. I don't know who would but really...thanks.
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