Okay, so...my feelings are continuously swaying back and forth. So it's like, one second I like him, the next, I tell myself that I hate him but turns out, I still do love him with every single piece of my heart and it's killing me. Dedicated post:
I'm not the most good-looking girl nor the smartest. I'm not even good-looking nor smart, in fact. And to be honest, I've nothing but a heart and words to offer you. Sometimes, I'm so useless that I can't even prove the fact that I love you. But ever since I've met you, I started to try out lots of things to do and make. Some to come in handy when you need it, some to just put on display. And I know I haven't done much for you, and I'm boring like shit to be with now that I think about it, but I do hope you still keep the timetable I made, the box of hearts and the monthsary card. I hope you still remember the cookies I baked.
For as long as I can remember, I've always been that crybaby. I grew up getting more violent each year, until I started making a change in Secondary 2, which is this year. But when I needed someone, no one was there for me and I knew what went wrong so I desperately wanted to change myself. I got out of a relationship at that time, and I regretted so much and wanted to just have him back. And even though he and I didn't do much, I really wanted him back so badly. Until...I talked to you.
I started talking to you one day when you asked me if your hair looked like shit 'cause of your haircut some time ago. Ever since that day, I've been trying really hard, much harder than before, to get out of that one-sided love. And the very next day, I told you my story with him. You told me this: "What the fuck was he thinking?" and you were amazed that it was him, that broke my heart. That same day, I gave you my number and we started chatting. On 16th of April, we decided to put that relationship status just for the fun of it. It soon became real to you. And on 30th of April, I poured out my feelings.
And on that day, you told me this: "how about we just let things go naturally? Its good that you no longer think about him or rather you shouldn't... Frankly speaking, I've totally forgotten every other girls i had in my mind. It's totally occupied by you totally now . I love you, so no matter how you disappoint me, I'll still try to hold on. You're my baby love, i wouldn't want to lose you. therefore im willing to wait and be there for you through out". That was what you promised, but it didn't last long..
We were together for 52 days. And I know I haven't been a good girlfriend to have thought about him even during our relationship. And I'm not a good person at all considering all the bad things I've done and I know I'm really boring and depressing to be with. Yet, I have to let you know. You're the first boy I've ever made the effort to do things for with my most innocent intentions, and I felt like a child whenever I was with you. I could just let go of myself and my pride and do whatever I wanted, WITH you.
You're the first boy I've ever wholeheartedly committed myself to, the first boy that made my heart skip a beat when I talked to you. The first boy whom I've had so many dreams of and planned so many things to do together. The first boy I've hugged and kissed, the first boyfriend I've ever held hands with, the first boyfriend I've ever went out with, the first boyfriend whom I've watched movies with. You mattered most and I nearly lost my friends in the midst of loving you. I was tired and I wanted to just curl up into a ball and avoid anyone and everyone, but you were the one who gave me the strength to push on and keep both friendship and relationship.
I'm sorry that throughout those 52 days, I've been an asshole who has caused nothing but pain to you. I'm sorry that throughout those 52 days, I gave you so much insecurity and unhappiness. I'm sorry that I didn't realize how much you tried and how much you did to keep this relationship alive. I didn't realize how much you meant to me until we were finally over. I'm sorry I didn't realize how you felt nor how much you did when we always tried meeting up, whether at my house or on outings, or even in school.
I'm sorry you had to put up with all my stupid fantasies and bitchy and ignorant attitude. I'm sorry that I've never bothered to think about what you wanted to do or rather, what you wanted. I'm sorry I kept pushing you away and kept making you suppress those lustful desires when I knew that it was normal for a guy to think of it every now and then. I'm sorry that you had to put up with my emotions and be there for me to cheer me up even during those days when you were feeling moody, too..
People tell me that there'll be someone better, much better than you out there, somewhere. And people have been telling me about all sorts of stuffs about you and criticizing you when they aren't perfect either. And now I've already realized that you've left forever. But the innocence that lives within tells me that, you'll come back one day. Honestly, in my eyes, there's just no one as imperfect as you. You're flawed from head to toe, but it's just that very same imperfection that makes me fall in love with you and your silly ways. You and your cheerfulness and clumsiness. You and your silliest ideas...
Yet, what's past is past. Time won't rewind.. I just hope that one day, you'll come back. I just hope that I'd get to do all the stuffs we promised we'd do together, with you. Because just thinking of myself being with someone else when you're all I think about, really makes me wanna' cry.. I want to hug and kiss you again, I want to go out with you again, I want to be able to fly a kite with you. I want to be able to be with you. And one day, when we're both grown up, I want to be able to say "I do". One day..
Cramps are coming back. ;( It hurts..
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