The times we were happy together are worth the times I cry alone.

2nd Day. I thought a lot. A lot of shit got into my head. :'/ 

So...this post is a letter, again, as always, to ZhanSong...:

Hello pig.

I really miss you. Like, really, a whole damn lot. Last time, even thinking about breaking up was painful and dreadful enough to bring tears to my eyes. But now, it's real. It's the real deal now. It really hurts. I've never ever felt this way to any guy, ever. Every night, before I went to bed, I'd always form the words "I l o v e Z h a n S o n g" with my fingers, and I'd always make the heart-shape with my index and middle fingers. Every night, even now. And every night, I'd hug my bolster, pretending it was you so that I could sleep well.

But ever since 2 days ago, I didn't. I couldn't sleep at all. I'd hug my bolster, really tight, remembering the first time when you kissed me, remembering all the times we've spent together. And even though I cried, I still couldn't fall asleep. Until about 3am, or 5am... But I couldn't sleep too long, either. Because whenever I closed my eyes, even in my dreams, you were there. Day 1 when you left, I dreamt of us going out on a third outing, which would never happen... And today, I dreamt of you hugging me.

I can't forgive myself for having hurt you, for having been such an asshole to you during the 52 days we were together. Constantly being such a bitch, losing my temper, not letting you talk about sex and stuff and even telling you off when you're not willing to sleep or eat. And for always being so cold and giving you cold replies...I'm sorry dear. I guess it was the right thing to let me go. I'd have a taste of my own medicine. 

Dear, I really miss you. I never expected us to last so short. I really never would've expected us to end. Much less expect that you would've initiated it. Ni zhi dao mah, that night, I got really mad at you, and I wanted to text you a 6-letter long text and wanted to break up, but I didn't. I drafted it. But then...you sent me that text, telling me to go view my inbox. Immediately, I ran out of my room and told my father that I wanted to use it, only to see that inbox message...which crashed my dreams.

"i think... its better for us to stay as friends.. idk why but when i was sick i thought alot. Like really alot, I've been forcing myself to love you but i just couldn't.... I'm really sorry for being such a useless and lousy boyfriend for the past month... There are still lots of guys out there for you, im sure there are lots of them that are better than me. I'm really sorry but if this drags on , it's gona hurt more.... I'm sorry.. But I did love you and I appreciate all the things you've done for me."

You've forced yourself to love me. I know it pricked, I know you've been hurt, haven't you? ): I'm sorry for making you go through all that. And dear.., you were never useless, nor lousy. You were the best boyfriend I could've ever asked for. And that, I vow to God. VictorGoh once told me that I was one of the best in terms of both personality and looks, and that the only thing I had to be confused about is choosing the right guy. But...I chose you. And you turned out to be the one that I wanted.

Dear, you told me you loved me. You told me, that we'd go to Pizza Hut together next time. You told me that you'd never let go of me no matter what, and that I would never lose you. You told me you'd get me a monthsary gift when we go out the next time. You told me you wanted to marry me. ); Ni wang le mah..?

I miss your hugs and kisses. I miss looking at you then turning away, then you'd make the really cute 'tsk' sound. I miss you coming close to me for a kiss. I miss us going out. I miss us holding hands. I miss the time when we went to Popular and just hung around. I miss the time when I was looking at something that I found cute, and you'd say you'd buy it for me. I miss the time when you made fun of people when they were talking really loud about something, then you joked about it and we both chuckled.

I miss the time when I sat beside you in the theater, the first time when you were about to peck on my cheek and I avoided it. And the second time, when I was resting my head on your shoulders while your hand was on my thigh(which was so fattttt~). I miss the times when you'd run from the temple just to see me, and then I'd keep avoiding you and keep laughing. Then you'd ask me, "Why keep smiling~" or "Why keep laughing~" so cute-ly. I miss those times we were together. I miss you running all the way from Novena and almost being late, but still willing to risk and go to your class and meet me, just for that kiss on 5th May.

I miss us holding hands and meeting at the Mac Tables. I miss you nagging at me to study my Science papers. I miss you looking at me with those really shiny eyes *-*(LOLLL.) I miss us being in the canteen together and getting disturbed by others like Ivy, Esther, Colin, Azmi, JiaWei and the rest. I miss the time when I was walking beside you, but I didn't see you because I was looking down at my phone, and you shouted "I love you", which was so sweet. I miss the times we've spent together, even for just a second. </3

I want to know where I went wrong. I want to know. ): Dear, I just want you. NO ONE ELSE.

I keep crying whenever I think about you, leaving. It just hurts so much... Dear, no one else. Just you.. );

I miss you so fucking much. I'm sorry. I'm willing to change, anything at all. ):

I'll change and not be so bad to you anymore. I'll change to be a better person. I'll change to not guailan nor kaopei you anymore. I'll change to not ignore you and flare up so easily. I'll change to be nicer, to be better to you. I'll change, I won't emo so much le. I'll change my attire, I can try losing some weight if you think that my outer looks suck(which, I know it does). I'll do anything, really. Just for you to return. );

Wo zhen de hen xiang ni...); I want no one else but you, Ong Zhan Song. I love you. ):