Life goes on even without you.

Okay, so...my feelings are continuously swaying back and forth. So it's like, one second I like him, the next, I tell myself that I hate him but turns out, I still do love him with every single piece of my heart and it's killing me. Dedicated post:

I'm not the most good-looking girl nor the smartest. I'm not even good-looking nor smart, in fact. And to be honest, I've nothing but a heart and words to offer you. Sometimes, I'm so useless that I can't even prove the fact that I love you. But ever since I've met you, I started to try out lots of things to do and make. Some to come in handy when you need it, some to just put on display. And I know I haven't done much for you, and I'm boring like shit to be with now that I think about it, but I do hope you still keep the timetable I made, the box of hearts and the monthsary card. I hope you still remember the cookies I baked.

For as long as I can remember, I've always been that crybaby. I grew up getting more violent each year, until I started making a change in Secondary 2, which is this year. But when I needed someone, no one was there for me and I knew what went wrong so I desperately wanted to change myself. I got out of a relationship at that time, and I regretted so much and wanted to just have him back. And even though he and I didn't do much, I really wanted him back so badly. Until...I talked to you.

I started talking to you one day when you asked me if your hair looked like shit 'cause of your haircut some time ago. Ever since that day, I've been trying really hard, much harder than before, to get out of that one-sided love. And the very next day, I told you my story with him. You told me this: "What the fuck was he thinking?" and you were amazed that it was him, that broke my heart. That same day, I gave you my number and we started chatting. On 16th of April, we decided to put that relationship status just for the fun of it. It soon became real to you. And on 30th of April, I poured out my feelings.

And on that day, you told me this: "how about we just let things go naturally? Its good that you no longer think about him or rather you shouldn't... Frankly speaking, I've totally forgotten every other girls i had in my mind. It's totally occupied by you totally now . I love you, so no matter how you disappoint me, I'll still try to hold on. You're my baby love, i wouldn't want to lose you. therefore im willing to wait and be there for you through out". That was what you promised, but it didn't last long..

We were together for 52 days. And I know I haven't been a good girlfriend to have thought about him even during our relationship. And I'm not a good person at all considering all the bad things I've done and I know I'm really boring and depressing to be with. Yet, I have to let you know. You're the first boy I've ever made the effort to do things for with my most innocent intentions, and I felt like a child whenever I was with you. I could just let go of myself and my pride and do whatever I wanted, WITH you.

You're the first boy I've ever wholeheartedly committed myself to, the first boy that made my heart skip a beat when I talked to you. The first boy whom I've had so many dreams of and planned so many things to do together. The first boy I've hugged and kissed, the first boyfriend I've ever held hands with, the first boyfriend I've ever went out with, the first boyfriend whom I've watched movies with. You mattered most and I nearly lost my friends in the midst of loving you. I was tired and I wanted to just curl up into a ball and avoid anyone and everyone, but you were the one who gave me the strength to push on and keep both friendship and relationship.

I'm sorry that throughout those 52 days, I've been an asshole who has caused nothing but pain to you. I'm sorry that throughout those 52 days, I gave you so much insecurity and unhappiness. I'm sorry that I didn't realize how much you tried and how much you did to keep this relationship alive. I didn't realize how much you meant to me until we were finally over. I'm sorry I didn't realize how you felt nor how much you did when we always tried meeting up, whether at my house or on outings, or even in school.

I'm sorry you had to put up with all my stupid fantasies and bitchy and ignorant attitude. I'm sorry that I've never bothered to think about what you wanted to do or rather, what you wanted. I'm sorry I kept pushing you away and kept making you suppress those lustful desires when I knew that it was normal for a guy to think of it every now and then. I'm sorry that you had to put up with my emotions and be there for me to cheer me up even during those days when you were feeling moody, too..

People tell me that there'll be someone better, much better than you out there, somewhere. And people have been telling me about all sorts of stuffs about you and criticizing you when they aren't perfect either. And now I've already realized that you've left forever. But the innocence that lives within tells me that, you'll come back one day. Honestly, in my eyes, there's just no one as imperfect as you. You're flawed from head to toe, but it's just that very same imperfection that makes me fall in love with you and your silly ways. You and your cheerfulness and clumsiness. You and your silliest ideas...

Yet, what's past is past. Time won't rewind.. I just hope that one day, you'll come back. I just hope that I'd get to do all the stuffs we promised we'd do together, with you. Because just thinking of myself being with someone else when you're all I think about, really makes me wanna' cry.. I want to hug and kiss you again, I want to go out with you again, I want to be able to fly a kite with you. I want to be able to be with you. And one day, when we're both grown up, I want to be able to say "I do". One day..


Cramps are coming back. ;( It hurts..

The end is nearing.

I didn't get to say hi to you today after all. I've been told stuffs about you recently, and I know of a few of your exes, crushes and stuffs. But there were other stuffs your friend didn't tell me. She didn't want to even though she knew I might get mad, and she apologized for not being to tell me. I think you skipped soccer practice today. I guess so, since your examinations are coming up really soon. I really hope you'll score well this time, successfully be accepted into 4E2 next year without complications.

Today, I saw you marking your attendance and was walking by at the corridors of the Biology Laboratory, as usual. Natalie and some other girl accompanied you and you said bye to them and passed by the CABIN. I think I saw you turn your back, but I know I didn't get to see you. And that friend who didn't tell me stuffs about you, made me change my mindset of you now. I've been telling myself that I could get you back one day but sadly, it's all fake. It'll never happen. And who knows, you might have a new crush by now. If it's anyone in your class, someone like Yeehuan, I'd be happy. She's nice, ain't she?

Yeah, I'm fat and flat, I'm clumsy and I don't know what to say nor do at the right situation. I overreact, I scream and shout, I'm such a klutz and a tomboy and I'm stupid and can't do anything right. But...I do try my best to do things. Even though I might look like an idiot, I do try. And sometimes I screw up, but I'd laugh off it now. I won't pressurize myself too much but I'd always try just a little too much before realizing it's futile. I know I'm ugly and depressing to be with but...I really loved you. I really did.

Whenever I heard your name, I'd smile to myself secretly and hopefully eavesdrop in a conversation about you when other people are talking. When people called me "Zhansong" in the past, I used to always tell them to shut up. I still do, but the difference is that, now, you're no longer mine. Whenever I heard your voice and thought about you, I'd laugh and smile to myself and people would think I'm mad but I'd think I'm perfectly fine, which is true. Whenever I told you I love you, I meant it..

But now, everything's gone. You're gone, everyone is gone. No one exists in my heart now, and I feel so empty. I used to always wonder why we broke up, I used to always wonder if you still felt the same way as in the past. I used to always wonder if you remember and keep all the memories and stuffs I gave to you. And now, I still do go to your profile every day. I do still keep the keychain I wanted to give to you. I still do write many stuffs about you. And I don't know how long it'll take but I just hope I'll be over you, really soon. 'Cause I'm tired of crying and feeling sad. I'm tired of screaming and going high when all I want to do is just sigh and roll into a ball and just kill my emotions. I'm tired..

My thoughts would break your heart.

"What an artist draws, the drawings show their hidden emotions."

I want to be able to say hi to you tomorrow. I don't know when nor how, but I'll try. And hopefully, at that time, you'll say hi, too. I want us to be friends again, I want to be able to have your blessings on my birthday, I want to know that I still matter, I want to believe that I matter and you do think of me every now and then. I want you to lie to me and tell me that everything was real and you really loved me. But who am I kidding, I'm just a liar. A liar to reality, to friends, and even to myself. I'm pathetic.

You are the best thing, that's ever been mine.

What do I do when the best part of me was always you?

School as usual. Went to the parade square and met up with Sy and Sabine. Had to show them my drawing and they were like, "WOW." so overreactively. Continued my art while in class and didn't do much for English. Mother Tongue, had to listen and write stuffs. Maths, continued with quadrilaterals' drawings. Recess, slacked with the usual people. Science, wanted to sleep but continued with the coloring. Double D&T, went to the workshop where 3E2 goes to and saw your name, you got C5 for D&T.

PC, continued with the drawing and stayed for a while before going to Square2 with Hiran and Patrine. Bought milktea and KFC and accompanied them back to school and passed by 3N2 and they were singing a song, insulting LawrenceLim. Wasn't sure what the song was, but had the words "pedophile", "little girl", "little dog". And some stuffs about upskirting. o.o Then, went past foyer and said hi to Ingrid. ^~^ Ayes, went back to class and continued. Worked with the clique and Emmanuel. Miss Yap came down, settled some stuffs and went off.

Anyways, I should really stop procrastinating. Was talking to Ingrid just now and she said she had stuffs to tell me tomorrow. :P There's a history test tomorrow on the Suez Canal and I had no idea until today when Sy said it. So...gotta' actually REALLY rush this time. The answers are super long and reading them makes me want to kill myself. -.- Jiayou jiayouuuuu!


I didn't get to see you at the foyer today. Instead, I saw Ashley, Huiyi and the rest. After going off from class at 4.30, I saw Wenxiang and the rest with Miss Pay at the Mac Tables. After passing there, I got to see ChinMing and Jolene but there were no signs of you. Outside of school, I saw Juztin, Yuenfone and Jarell. Yuenfone saw me in the car. And then...down the hill, I saw Huiyi and Ashley. Ashley saw me, too.. I got to see your friends, but I didn't see you..

I hope you're doing fine and coping well. I smiled today when I remembered us at the canteen, when you bought noodles for me. I don't remember when, but I remembered that your friends came to disturb us- Azmi, Jiawei and the rest. I remember when we were snatching the bowl of finished noodles after we were done eating. You didn't want to let go and wanted to put it in the pail. I remember all those tiny little moments.. And I really miss them. ;(

Memories burnt in the back of my mind.

School as usual. Funfit duty with the P.E Leaders, saw you at the parade square from the street soccer court. Said hi to ChinMing and was talking to Joyomitro and Azman while the sec3s played basketball while sec2s played badminton. Went off after that and free period for Literature. History next, wrote notes. Double Science, headed to the Science Lab and received a text from Ted. Starting chatting all the way and Patrine told me stuffs about you that were told to her by Alvin. Recess, slacked.

CME, free period. Double Maths, had to do a test and I screwed up big time. Overall score was 50, 13 marks fly. -.- Mother Tongue, had to do newspaper article but I was lazy. Promised to pass it up by the end of today but I'm already home so...oops. :X After that, went to Square2 with Patrine, Fenna, Abigail, Sabine and FanXing. Saw Sandra, Wenxiang, Malvis and Jeremy. Also saw Amani's older sister at KFC. Ate cheese fries with Patrine and paid for FX's meal, it's his second last day with us..

Went back to school and I saw the soccer dudes. After a while, you came out. Started cursing and ran away and to the parade square. Broke down and started crying in class and punched the door really hard. Drew Sizuru for the class decoration with the girls. :/ Cried like shit..


I heard, that when we were together, you used to suddenly call out for my name in class. I heard, that you once asked how I looked like 'cause you haven't really seen me before. Alvin heard you call my name once, and he was laughing when he heard. I don't know how far you sat from him but if he heard it, it must've been pretty loud.. Haha. I saw you at soccer practice today. You were with Juztin, as always. And this time..I saw you up close, in your soccer attire. And guess what? Your shirt number was 16.

Well...even after I went off with my friends, you were still there. I was waiting for my ride so I just waited there.. Walked down the road with Hiran for a while, and I wanted you to see. I wanted you to get jealous. But you didn't care.. So I just decided to slack there for a while. Passed by Ieqah and Jinghui, too. And, well...I guess I'm just really annoying, aren't I? Just so clingy and stupid and foolish. Abigail and Sabine told me that I could find a better guy than you, but I'm sure I won't ever trust again. Because.., there's just no one in this world who made me feel this much, more than you. Ozs, I love you. A lot.

I just hope..I'd get to say hi again. Just hope that we could be friends again. But it's pointless, hopeless..

16th's.

Woke up, saw Gibston's text and was feeling extremely sleepy. Throughout my breakfast, the word "sixteenth" kept ringing in my head. *faints. Headed to school, saw you marking your attendance. You went over to talk to Azmi and stayed there for some time before leaving. Thiru was taking charge, and you walked pass my class together with the other monitors after announcements. Classes as usual.

IPW, headed to the workshop, saw and said hi to ChinMing. ;) Continued work and started screwing around with the gears. Helped Mr.Wong put the boxes he took out, back into the storeroom. Free period during Mr.Sugu's period, went to sleep. History, copied notes. Off to Recess and this time, only Sy ate. :X Haha. Mother Tongue, was told of my test results- 48/100. D: FAILED BY TWO DAMN MARKS, !@#$%^&*()_+_

Double English, had to write composition on either a time when time seemed to fly, a time when you felt embarrassed or a time when you felt disappointed. All were related to you, so I just decided to write about friendship. :/ Then...Maths. Got nagged at by Miss Ng about tomorrow's test. I'm quite confident about the Pythagoras' Theorem, but not so when it comes to graph-drawing.

'nyways, went for lunch after school with some of my classmates. MinHao, Hiran, Abigail, Winny, Fenna, Patrine and Sy. Halfway through while waiting for Fenna, was outside the toilet and looking at your class. And also, saw Jasmine Teng(AhJas Tyr) in the school with Peiling. Saw some of your classmates, saw you and just screamed. ._. Headed to eat and a few of the 3E2s were eating at the table next to us.

Went for the talk after that, was about cyberspace-safety and pornography. :x The E1 girls kept laughing, wtf. Went off for a break and saw Colin. After dismissal, headed to the foyer and saw Ted playing, kept saying "Hi" to each other for no reason and Amani was like, damn awkward. Met up with MinHao and FanXing. And I saw you at the street soccer court. You were with your friends.

And...while I left, I'm not sure but...I saw your head turn the direction of where I was going, in the car..


16th's, did memories run through your head? Did you remember all the things we did, did you feel emotional or were your feelings never there? Did you wonder how I was or did you figure out that I would be emo-ing, 'cause there'd be your friends who'd tell you about me, won't there. Did you hear my voice echoing in your head? 'Cause that's what happened to me when I remembered you shouting "I love you". 16th's..

Monday Blues.

Woke up, went to school. Had to listen to Miss Chamb talk again for morning assembly.. Then, P.E. I was playing at the basketball court with Sy and Patrine and shouting away like some maniac while I was scolding Jiawei for snatching our court. You were at the soccer court and you were having fun with your friends. Tried to ignore you but Patrine told me you looked this way. :'/ It's been on my mind since that moment.. Then, double Mother Tongue. Did CL test, died. Halfway through, it rained very heavily. Hope you didn't play in the rain.. >< Then, D&T. Teacher selected my work to show the class, xiasuey max. It was a swallow, a heart and puzzle pieces, designs for the buzz wire game's wire.

And then...Recess. Didn't eat and was slacking with Patrine, Sy and Fenna. After that, double Art. Slacked at the first period but decided to get my lazy ass working and started drawing. Then, Science. Got back my test results- 14/27. I PASSED GOD DAMN IT FUCK I PASSED WOOHOOOOO. (Y) <-- overreaction. Then, History. Copied notes, learnt about who started World War II and who ended it. Assembly, had to plan about the notice board design. Next week's to discuss about the subject combinations for Sec3. :/

Chinese Orchestra next. Headed to the Music Room and saw you wheeling Hongwei again, after going back up to the second level. You were with Anand and the others.. Ingrid and Jolene talked to you, I was behind them. I was looking at you from behind and I finally had the guts to wave to you with a smile. It took so hard..but you didn't give a fuck . You just continued talking and then you walked away.. Felt fucking moody throughout and Ingrid told me some stuffs, which just further proves that your feelings have faded long ago. Or maybe..they were never there. Got disiao-ed by the conductor, practiced for 0109's performance. Ingrid got pissed off by people.. ;(


Ingrid, if you see this...well, haha, sorry I couldn't say this to you in person, I wouldn't dare to, so, yeah...:

Don't get to pissed off with people alright, they're not worth your time. Next time, when people like him throw stuffs at you when it's not even yours, just leave it. And don't get angry, mushroom cap will turn from red to white. xD And...you're not a horrible leader. In fact, I think you've been the best chairman. We've seen your efforts. Or at least, I have. I've seen how much you're trying to be able to lead the whole orchestra and I believe it's a very tough job.

But don't worry, just another year and you'll be able to get out of this shithole. I may not be able to help at all and quarrel with you just like I did today(because of the counting of the Erhu members), but trust me, at the end of the day, I'll always try my very best to help you out. And because of this very reason, I decided to join the committee to help you out. I know my joining won't help much and would most probably cause more problems, but at least I'll give it a try.

You'll support me, right? :) I love you Ingrid, so don't ever get angry anymore. To tell you the truth, I got kinda' scared. :X Haha. So yup, I'll try to talk to Miss Ng to see if I could help you out in any way. Until next time then, bye!

I wanna' know, can you show me?

Been procrastinating a lot lately. My D&T's delayed and is due tomorrow, and I'm only 1/2 done. :/ Well...slept at 1am last night because of the steamboat since it's the 15th of another month's Chinese calendar(applies to every month). Jack came to sleep over and well, he's still here playing Halo: Reach, actually. Been seeing your name and images all over Facebook again. And...I didn't know what to update so I guess I'll just talk about how we used to be, as always.

I guess this time, I'll talk about how I used to never get angry with you. Yup, so there were a few times when what you said would've pissed me off. But I didn't, and you got mad and told me that you didn't like me not flaring up 'cause you've been an ass talking about stuffs. Well, honestly, I did get mad. But it only lasted for a few seconds, or a few minutes. But when that happens..I don't reply you via text. I get so emotional and start worrying, then I'd cry. Without reason, actually. Then I'd remember all the stuffs that we did since 1604, and I'd start smiling regardless of where I am. Regardless of how mad I felt at that point of time, everything just dissipates.

And then...I remember this one time when I got really mad at you, on 14 May. You were talking dirty(as always), but this time, I really flared up. I didn't know why.. I ignored you that night and didn't text you for the whole morning. I got mad at the fact that you didn't even say hi and thus I started posting crap about you on Twitter, which soon got noticed by Colin. He told you, and you apologized to me. Then...I forgave you and we were okay again. But...I pissed him off. :/ So yup, haha. Hm...I miss you. </3

Stuffs.

THINGS A GIRL WISHES HER BOYFRIEND KNEW:
* I want you to hug me from behind, unexpectedly.
* I want you to give me your hoodie when I`m cold.
* I want you to hold me and keep me warm.
* I want you to cuddle with me and watch movies together.
* I want you to kiss me in the rain.
* I want you to hold my hands and play with my fingers.
* I want you to play with my hair.
* I want you to take amazing photos with me.
* I want you to come to my house and meet my family.
* I want you to lay on my bed with me and just hold me.
* I want you to let me dress you up and make you look silly.
* I want you to watch sunrise with me.
* I want you to give me piggy back rides daily.
* I want you to kiss my nose.
* I want you to wipe my tears away.
* I want you to tell me that you miss me already even if we were together five minutes ago.
* I want you to drop everything and hug me tight.
* I want you to take me on a picnic.
* I want you to snuggle with me in the movie theaters.
* I want you to squeeze me as hard as you can when you hug me.
* I want you to smile every single time you see me.
* I want you to know how much I love you.
* I just want you.

THINGS A BOY WISHES HIS GIRLFRIEND KNEW
* I want you to let me play with my/your hair
* I want you to accept my compliments
* I want you to listen to me sometimes
* I want you to smile for me (guys love their girls smile)
* I want you to hold my hand unexpectedly
* I want you to tell me silly jokes and pick up lines
* I want you to watch Pixar/Disney movies with me
* I want you to try to play video games with me
* I want you to tell me silly stories
* I want you to sing and dance randomly with me
* I want to take pictures and make couple videos with you (even though guys may not show it, we enjoy taking pictures and making videos)
* I want you to not make fun of my little imperfections (sometimes it gets to us)
* I want you to kiss me
* I want you to bite my lip occasionally (I cant speak for all guys, but damn it feels good)
* I want you to tell me you love me
* I want you to tell me you missed me when we finally get together
* I want you to accept me for who I am
* I want you to love me unconditionally
* I just want to spend time with you
* I need you to know that I love you so much

Love knows no boundaries.

It’s funny how people end up together.

Whether it be from meeting with friends or the fact that you fell in love with your friend. It could even be with someone you have never met in person or even someone you’re with all the time. I can’t say how, where, or even when feelings may start for the person you’d maybe least expect to fall for, but when you do it’s a magical feeling. It’s the feeling of not just love or trust, you can say it’s a bond between the both of you. These feelings aren’t easy to form let alone easy to keep. They can be gone in a heart beat but they can also last for a life time. You never thought who you may end up being with, it could be that girl/guy across the food court, or someone new that you just met with your friends or at school. But for some like my cousin and friend it could be with your best friend.

I guess you can say it’s amazing how the person you’ve always dreamed of that is perfect could be the one you’d least expect to fall for. I can’t say that love will always prevail and that feelings won’t fade but the person you’re with is the one who gives you happiness, who has no filled that missing gap in your life. Without him/her there will only be empty space, the space of loneliness.