I need you to see, you belong with me.

Before I find the strength to let this go, there's a couple of things I need for you to know: Your eyes are wonderful, your smile is too. Your laugh's contagious, and your heart is true. There's beauty in your touch, and your kiss is love. You're everything, that every guy dreams of. You're everything, that makes me fall in love.

"She won’t come talk to you, you should go talk to her. When you’re with a group of friends, she isn’t going to run into your arms no matter how much she wants to. You need to come up behind her and wrap your arms around her, and let her friends get jealous. And boy, you need to show her how much you love her. So she isn’t afraid to show it back."

Inspire me a story to tell the world; a story of us.

Sometimes, I get really confused. The way you do things gives me this feeling that you've never wanted any of this to happen and you still wish we were together. But sometimes the way you do things tell me that you don't acknowledge me as anyone you know anymore. I'm pretty sure that you don't want any of this anymore, though. Well, of course. So...I guess it's just me thinking too much, my one-sided love driving me insane. Sometimes I wonder if life's worth holding onto. But day by day, I live through it. With all the hardship and peace, everything makes up this pathetic and worthless life of mine. It goes unbalanced and it's as if everything won't stay together for long and everything's about to fall apart.

'Cause I'm comin' back to show you that I'm keeping the promise I made. When I'm with you, I'll make every second count. 'Cause I miss you whenever you're not around. When I kiss you, I still get butterflies, years from now. I'll make every second count when I'm with you. Whatever it takes, I'm not gonna' break the promise I made. When I'm with you, I'll make every second count. 'Cause I miss you whenever you're not around.

Inconsolable.

The world has changed, to the point where I don't seem to quite fit in. Everyone seems so happy, yet I'm all alone with no one there by my side and the lies have taken every last breathe out of my life. I'm confused, when no one is there who really understands me. I'm on my own. I'm not happy with everything/anything anymore. It's all the fake smiles.

I pretend to be happy, but how long can I pretend? I really can't hold this any longer. All the happiness is bleeding through an open wound. I can't control what goes on inside this hell. I lost myself in everything, everything I can't find. Life's been a bitch for me. I can't continue being like this every single day, I hate the past, I hate the situation I'm in now. I hope the future would be better for me.

I'm on the verge on giving up everything, I don't wanna care anymore. I wanna cry, but there isn't anymore tears for me to cry. It's all dried up.. We've to learn to expect the unexpected.. Life is just so unfair. :( I just felt that everyone is starting to leave. I understand people come and go, it's expected. But why do you have to go? It's been a while since you've been gone and nothings ever been the same. I miss you more than you'll ever know.

I'm sorry I constantly wanna talk to you. I'm sorry when you take long to reply, I get sad. I'm sorry if I say things that pissed you off. I'm sorry if I come off as annoying. I'm sorry for being an ass sometimes. I'm sorry if you don't wanna talk to me as much as I wanna talk to you. I'm sorry if I think about you too much/too often. I'm sorry if it comes off as being clingy, it's because I miss you..

I wonder.. When will my longing for you end? When will the sun rise up again? The voices in my head got me asking over and over.. When will I be strong enough to fight? It's time to realize that your gone and there's nothing I can do. You won't be back.. What I'm feeling is I don’t wanna talk to anybody? I don’t want to smile and I don’t want to fake being happy, but at the same time, I don’t know exactly what is wrong either.

There isn’t a way to explain it to someone who doesn’t already understand. If I could want anything in the world it would be to be alone. People have stopped being comforting, and being alone never was. At least when I'm alone, no one constantly asks me what is wrong and there isn’t anyone who won’t take, ‘I don’t know’ as an answer. I feel the way I do just because, I hope the feeling will pass soon and that I will be able to be myself again, but until then all I can do is wait..

I'm running short of breath with every step. I'm in need of oxygen to run away from this. It's hard to breathe.

最后一次 - One Last Time.

Well...boy, you might not understand the lyrics but still...I hope you do. Enjoy.

在我最后一次 闭上眼睛之前
我想对你说我爱你
在你怀里 舍不得放弃
心里有千万语还没说给你听
我使尽全力 不想闭上眼睛
这次告别就不能再相遇
不能再陪你 但不要忘记
你曾经答应我你会好好活下去

先走了 去了好远的地方
不能再陪你看日出 等不到天亮
所有回忆 抹去 却并不容易
生死由天决定 不要太伤心
在我最后一次 闭上眼睛之前
我想对你说我爱你
在你怀里 舍不得放弃
心里有千万语还没说给你听
我使尽全力 不想闭上眼睛
这次告别就不能再相遇
不能再陪你 但不要忘记
你曾经答应我你会好好活下去

在我最后一次 闭上眼睛之前
我想对你说我爱你
在你怀里 舍不得放弃
心里有千万语还没说给你听
我使尽全力 不想闭上眼睛
这次告别就不能再相遇
不能再陪你 但不要忘记
你曾经答应我你会好好活下去
我 永远 爱你。

It's been 2 years.

So...yeah. It's been 2 years since I've been in my primary school, relaxing and letting every day pass by as it normally would. Going around acting all bossy, bossing people around and doing things that make people hate me while I didn't give a fuck because of my rotten attitude. Now that I mention it, I kind of miss those times. I miss playing basketball with Wesley, Winnie and Anzoe. I miss disiao-ing Ziegler, Shawn, Javier, and the other prefects.

I miss fooling around with the girls and participating as a committee of every year's end-of-year celebration party where there'd be so much food and drinks, a video for all and farewell notes. I miss how Wesley used to joke around with me while he sat behind me in the examination format, and we'd get warned by Mrs Tay and then make even more noise and I'd get kicked out of class. :x

And I realized, how much we've all changed. Well, at least, how I changed. I realized that I'm not how I was anymore; I'm weaker, I'm more exposed to my surroundings, I'm more fragile than ever, I've physically and mentally matured, but the one thing that hasn't changed is how I was a P.E Leader even in Primary School, though only for Primary 6, supporting Mr Rafiei.

This is practically my third year as a P.E Leader now, I've gone to many places, I've helped out at many events. The ASEAN games, the One Community Walk, ACES day, Hwa Chong Institution's visit, Nanyang Polytechnic's visit, Sports' Day, FunFit Camp, almost every event that required and was related to sports and needed the P.E Leaders to be put to use and be down for duty. I kinda' miss those fellas, even if I say I hate them- the juniors. They might be annoying but..we're still a family. Hang on there kiddos, don't get sick and tired of things so easily now, there's still a lot in life that you haven't discovered, even I haven't.

Outing @ Bugis.

^ AGNES IS SO KEWT.

Updating after the 'clique' outing. Headed to Toa Payoh MRT station at 11.15am and met up with Patrine and SingYing at the entrance. Proceeded to Raffles Place and changed lines and met up with Fenna at Bugis MRT's entrance. After that, went to Mos Burger and slacked there. The others did IPW while I ate my Mos Burger, since I wasn't in their IPW group.

After that, YingLing joined in. Left soon after and headed to Bugis Junction. After that, to Iluma and then back to Bugis Junction, then headed to KFC, bought cheese fries, got pissed off, and headed to a stairway at the MRT station and just slacked there. Took some group photos and then, headed home. Said bye to Patrine while I departed at Toa Payoh and she headed home at Bishan.

I don't get how they can act as if they're the best of friends, yet behind their friends' backs, they'd betray and backstab continuously. Just like how they did today. Wanted to pangseh us and just left, why bother still trying to suck up to me and her? Why bother still trying to say, "We're a team, and we'd never part no matter what." when they're all just lies. Do what you say, say what you mean, bitches. Seriously. Spamers is just a fucked up group, you guys are just so fake. So plastic. So two-faced, so slutty.

I went to Iluma today. Over there, I saw a lot of things that were for couples. Rings, necklaces, keychains, etc. The first place I went to was Couple Lab. I looked through the rings, and they just remind me of you so much. Though we've never gotten a ring, but if we do get back together one day, trust me, I'll make every second count and I'd give you the ring as a certain monthsary's present. ;) Then, I went to Otaku House. I saw many anime stuffs that you'd like.. And at Comics Connection, I saw anime wallets. I remember when you said you wanted to buy me a wallet, haha. There was this Whitebeard one that looked really cool. *hint hint* :P Well...yeah.

YingLing said that intimate couples disgust her. At that point of time, memories of us came flowing back into my mind. I remember when I held your hand and followed behind you while you dragged me, when I rested on your shoulder in the cinema, when we kissed and when I just hugged you so close and tight. I remembered when we used to hang out at the back of the canteen or in front, and people would stare, gossip and try to disturb us a little just for fun. I remember that there was this one time when you drank my green tea. :x And you bought noodles for me and didn't let me put back my cutlery and snatched from me. :P 

And when you took my cookies after I persuaded you to have them, and when I gave you my English notes for you to revise to use a few better words for your composition for English Paper 1. And after I left when Ivy and Esther wanted to disturb us, you told me that Juztin said the cookies were nice and that you were proud of me. I remember when you calmed me down when I was really pissed. I remember when you called me and just before hanging up, you said, "I love you." 

I remember when we had our first hug, you kissed me by the cheek, though blocked by my hair (:x), and whispered "I love you" really softly. I remember our first kiss outside my house, and how awkward it felt after that, and how I avoided you trying to kiss me last time. And how I used to laugh so hard and kept smiling like a retard and you'd say, "Why keep smiling hurhh?" and give the really cute face. I remember when we met on the fifth floor, and when we turned towards the lift, it was at the third story and I said, "Shit." and rushed home immediately. ><

I miss those moments, those tiny memories of us.

So...I suppose you got pissed off by your family. What's gotten into you recently..? You've been posting new stuffs about love, random stuffs, and this time, angry stuffs. I don't know what's on your mind anymore.. Honestly, I don't think I ever did. People have been telling me to give you up and leave everything behind. But how do you forget someone who gave you so much to remember? Alvin told Patrine that he thinks you have a new crush, and Patrine feels the same. I don't know what's going on but I don't want to know.. 

I'm really scared that it was all just a dream, and that I'm so invisible to you now that you could get over it in just a matter of seconds and woo a new girl so quickly. I hope it's just their thoughts, their imagination. I just hope that it won't happen. (...) Bringing me back to your recent status, well...I want you to calm down. Remember what you texted me in the past, remember to think in a more matured way. That way, you won't be angry anymore.. And now, I don't even know where the old ZhanSong has gone to, I don't even know who you are anymore.

It's still the same.

I had this really nice dream last night. It was related to you. I don't quite clearly remember but..you were beside me, I think. Or maybe you came to me. I remember you whispering in my ear, "Meet you outside your house later." Then I did. And you hugged me, and it was as if everything was back to normal, like I was your girl once more. I didn't know why I dreamt that, but when I woke up, I felt as if I was in a relationship with you again. The memories just kept making me smile, until I remembered the heart-wrenching fact that you're no longer mine.. That you're gone...

Y'know.. Before you gave me the cold shoulder after you got well, before the 7th of June, I bought you this keychain. It was red, and it had your birthday written on it. Yeah, it's cheap and yeah..guys wouldn't like keychains but..I just bought it. I wanted to give it to you. So...when you gave me that cold shoulder treatment, every night, I just told myself to patiently wait until you felt better so that I could give it to you. But soon after, you said it was better if we stayed as friends, that it would hurt more if it drags on.

So yeah, we broke up just like that. No reasons, no explanations whatsoever. You went back to Indonesia, I went back to Malaysia. I bought another keychain for you. It was black, and in the shape of a pig. 'Cause I remember how you used to say 'zhuzhu'. But...I know now, that no matter how much I try, even if I do give you the keychain, it won't bring you back. (...) And I doubt you'd ever read this blog, 'cause I don't even exist in your eyes. In your eyes, in your heart, in your memories even, I'm not in it.

--
Preparing to go out to Bugis/Iluma with Patrine, YingLing, SingYing and Fenna today. Meeting Pat and Sy @ Toa Payoh MRT station. Hopefully, it'll be enjoyable..

Even if I have many friends, no one's there for me when I need them.

School as usual. Lessons were especially short today. First was Maths, slacked and did some work, then double P.E. Paced SingYing and she ran 17minutes. Then, History. Did work as usual. Recess, slacked with the usual people. English, continued with the song and was with Awesomely Chocolate and got prizes for getting 2nd in place. Then, Science. Played with the M&M tubes with Patrine and kept popping each other until we got warned by Iskander to put them away. After that, headed to Music Room. Met up with Ingrid, Jolene and the others, then headed for practice. Teacher pms-ed as always. :/ Went home, slept.

I saw you turn back when you were walking to the foyer and into the I&E room today when the announcement was made that the teachers wanted to meet all monitors from every level. And I saw you looking towards the canteen when you were done with your D&T. I didn't know if you saw me, but if you did..well...yeah. Haha. And then...I found out that you were beside my sectional practice room. And your class would be there for quite some time because of your injured classmate. So...I kept harping on that fact and kept hinting to Ingrid. 

Quite hard to believe that she didn't get mad or annoyed. Then...when you were leaving at 4.45, you looked into the classroom. Our eyes met. I got so scared and I turned around immediately. After that, I cried. Like, on the spot, beside WeiJian and around all the other ErHu members. Ingrid tried cheering me up. Thanks. ♥ Then...while heading back to the Music Room, I saw you again. Outside the I&E room. Your back faced me, and you were with Mr.Tan & Joey. So...I tried to ignore it, but didn't manage to. Until Ingrid told me, "What difference would it make, whether it's him or not."

It made me realize, that no matter how much I pray, how many tears I cry and how much I hope, in the end, it's going to be futile because I know you're never going to look back and even think about me. You're happier without me now. You're better off without me, you don't need to stress yourself to try to cheer me up, you need not risk getting caught texting in class. You can concentrate wholeheartedly on your studies, on helping your class to boost its spirit, on the Teacher's Day dance, and on yourself. It's your own life now. 

That was what I thought. But the moment I went home and read the messages that I wrote for you but never got to pass to you, things just contradicted. From my dead spirit, I was lifted up and cheered up once again. And once again, I had the mindset that I should wait for you. I don't even fucking want to even look in the mirror because I can't even recognize myself anymore. And from tomorrow onwards, I'm going to be as how I am now, continuing to be that insane girl that keeps screaming her lungs out and being cheery and just plain stupid. No more writing letters for you in class, no more thinking of you and talking about you to my friends because it'd just annoy them. Yet, deep down, it just hurts so much..

You can do it.

Sometimes, I find being a leader in Balestier Hill Secondary, a waste of time. Sometimes I just feel like I just need some space of my own, not being responsible nor enthusiastic. Not giving a damn in the world and just breaking all the rules as and when I wish. But I know it's impossible, considering my character. Even if I try to hide my enthusiasm, the bare minimum of my attendance to almost every event that a P.E Leader had to attend this year already proved my enthusiasm. I couldn't hide it. I like being a P.E Leader, I like to feel that I can lead the class and be responsible for once. I really do.

But sometimes, I get really tired. I get tired of shouting and shouting like some madwoman and when my classmates don't give me the slightest bit of attention, I just feel so annoyed and wanting to throw in the towel. I just want to give up and not give a damn anymore when that happens. But time and again, I don't ever seem to give up. Time and again, I tell myself that, "Hey, just chill for a moment and try to get your act right. Don't lose your temper."

I got selected to be one of the leading cheer members of my class' cheer for National Day. Together with Hiran, Abigail, YongJun and MinHao. This time, I didn't want to go at all. I got dragged inside by force thanks to the group of people that I usually hang out with - Patrine, SingYing, Winny, YingLing. :/ They kept shouting my name from the back of the class, and Miss Yap just wrote it there.. No one would ever listen to me, no one would ever care. I made the effort to tell them to sleep early tonight because of NAPFA tomorrow. But they wouldn't listen. I don't know why I still care, but I do. No one would ever show me the slightest bit of concern, that's for sure. :/ Tired of trying. Sometimes, I'd just want to give up, but I never ever do, and I doubt I ever will. Jiayou 2E2'11! I believe that one day, we'd be united as one class. All for one, one for all.

[Edit]:
I still remember the time when you told me: "I know you'd be there to protect me. <3" I still will, I always will protect you and defend you.

Faber Drive - When I'm With You.

Saw you walk into the room
Thought I'd try to talk to you
Baby am I ever glad you wanted me too
It's been two years to the day
Half the time I've been away
I know I'm not there enough but that's gonna change
Cause I'm coming back
To show you that I'm keeping the promise I made

When I'm with you I'll make every second count
Cause I miss you
Whenever you're not around
When I kiss you
I still get butterflies, years from now
I'll make every second count when I'm with you

Yeah we've had our ups and down
But we've always worked them out
Baby am I ever glad we've got this far now
Still I'm lying here tonight
Wishing I was by your side
Cause when I'm not there enough
Nothing feels right
So I'm coming back to show you that
I'll love you the rest of my life

When I'm with you
I'll make every second count
Cause I miss you
Whenever you're not around
When I kiss you I still get butterflies, years from now
I'll make every second count
When I'm with you
Whatever it takes I'm not gonna break the promise I made
When I'm with you
I'll make every second count
Cause I miss you

When I'm with you
I'll make every second count
Cause I miss you
Whenever you're not around
When I kiss you
I still get butterflies, years from now
I'll make every second count
(Make every second count)
When I'm with you
When I'm with you
When I'm with you
When I'm with you
Yeah

I'm a fool to wait, but I'd wait forever if you'd come back one day.

School as normal. Planned the National Day cheer with my class, was fucking annoyed at those assholes. After school, slacked around and back to class for Mathematics ERP before heading to the Music Room. Kept looking at you.. And turned away, continuously. Decided to get it over with, but didn't have the guts to. So slacked with Ted, Patrine and Fenna for awhile. Then, headed into the Music Room after being persuaded by Ingrid and went in to watch Ted on the guitar. His voice was great, hopefully he gets enlisted! :D And as for you.., well...yeah. You did great.

I've really no fucking clue why I keep holding on.. Today, I watched you at the Audition, in the Music Room. Patrine and Fenna accompanied me. We just stood there, doing nothing and waiting for Ted and you to perform. Ted played the guitar and he sang great. And while you were dancing, well, you danced great. I was really stunned when I saw you do the cartwheel. I continued watching and started smiling to myself. But, when I saw you carry the girls, everything just changed. All my emotions went from happy to jealous to neutral to dead. You kept on carrying the girls, each one of them. And also, they went on top of you... To tell you the truth, I was really so fucking jealous that I just wanted to cry and leave. But because my friends were around, and considering the crowd, I just kept quiet and continued watching until the end. 

I got really agitated, and I left immediately after you guys were done and went back to your seats. I saw you hug your male friends. But then again, what right do I have to care, what right do I have to get jealous? I've lost all my rights since 7th of June, I've no rights to care about you anymore. All that you do, all that you say. And now, I've really no guts to look up to you nor look you in the eyes anymore. After today, I'm really scared of caring and getting into relationships anymore. Today, both my exes were there. Both you and Ted. I was really scared, but I decided to get it over with. But soon, that confidence went away after your dance. I cried, and as I type these words, the tears still continue to fall. I'm just afraid that one day, I'd go mad and just do the most insane things I'd swore I'd never do. 

I just can't stop myself from not thinking of you for even a second, and it's pathetic. Sorry.. I'm really lost...

Everything's just made up of lies.

Even if I seem to talk to people as if I'm close with them, there's just no way that I could actually accept the fact that I'm friends with them. I don't know why, I just feel that way. People, except Ingrid, Jiawei and Ted. Other than those three, it's as if I just want to run away from anyone else and just hide myself, locking myself up and never letting anyone see me. Sometimes, I'm just too tired to do anything, anymore. Society's screwed, thus we'd have to be equally screwed. We can't live the way we want to because the law and rules set forth by the places we go to exist. Whether it's at home, school or anywhere else. Law exists, and we must obey them. For each power, has a responsibility behind. :/ Just so tired..

Hopes and dreams.

I'm sorry for all the wrongs I've done. I'm sorry I didn't talk to you right and didn't make you laugh much during the 52 days of our relationship. I'm sorry I didn't make you happy, didn't make you smile. I'm sorry I didn't let you do much and kept bothering you when you were doing your stuffs. I'm sorry I didn't give you the space you needed and kept nagging at you and kept spamming you and getting mad at you without reason. I'm sorry that sometimes, I ignored you and sometimes, I didn't listen to you and didn't do what you wanted me to do. I'm sorry that you had to spend time and made the effort to go all the way, from your house, to Block84 and still have to come over to my house and go to the fifth floor just for us to meet up at night. I'm sorry for all the things I've done that made you upset, and I'm sorry for being so dead in conversations and didn't manage to keep them lively. I'm sorry I was always so pessimistic and always disagreed to what you said when I said I was lousy and was a pathetic girlfriend. I'm sorry for everything.

Thank you for having talked to me on 13 April, and letting me confide in you, everything that was on my mind and related to Ted. Thank you for being willing to call me "Dearest" even though we weren't close and risked getting caught texting in class because I was bored. Thank you for being willing to put the relationship status and laughing off the fact when you saw the huge reaction of everyone on Facebook the very next day. Thank you for laughing with me, for making fun of me, for having put so much into this relationship. Thank you for coming over to Toa Payoh MRT just for us to meet up and head to VIVO when we didn't even talk and I kept sweating and texting. Thank you for chiding me and making me come to my senses. Thank you for letting me play with your phone and letting me play "Spot The Difference" with you on your phone. Thank you for accompanying me while I was with my dajie and korkor at the coffee shop.

Thank you for holding my hand in the theatres that time and being so intimate with me. Thank you for holding my hand all the way until I saw my dajie and korkor and letting go when you realized they were there. Thank you for having spent the money and time watching Source Code and Pirates of the Carribean: On Stranger Tides, with me. Thank you for helping me do my homework the other time even though it was just me being lazy. Thank you for spending every morning with me when it was the exam period when you should've been studying with your friends. Thank you for helping me out and helping my studies even though you had to study as well. Thank you for not minding what other people thought of us, and just eating together in the canteen and just slacking at the mac tables.

Thank you for walking all the way from your class instead of ignoring me when I waited outside, to the Music room and to the canteen. Thank you for buying me food because I was lazy to queue. Thank you for those times when you came to my house and we just did those intimate stuffs together. Thank you for going out with me the second time, to NEX, even though it was just a short while. Thank you for buying the tickets first and still having to rush to the MRT station's entrance because I didn't know the way to go to NEX from the MRT station. Thank you for holding my hand and bringing me along, and just slacking at the entrance of the cinema waiting and killing time. Thank you for making fun of me and making me laugh all the time. Thank you for those hugs and kisses, thank you for having been there for me, thank you for speaking up for me when Edwin was putting me down and calling me a prick even though your friends made fun of you.

Thank you for bearing with my nonsense all those times when I was really lame or pessimistic. Thank you for the memories forged after time, after 52 days. Thank you for making the effort to search for those quotes that were really mushy and sending them through text, and thank you for making the effort to post stuffs on my wall and make people laugh at how silly we were. Thank you for having been my boyfriend. Thank you for everything.

Once upon a time, I met you.

Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.
— Bob Marley

I hope you didn't screw up today during the Audition, I hope you did well and did your best and will be performing on Teacher's Day. I hope for the best, for you. And I still secretly hope that someday, we'd be together again. Because right now, these days without you have been continuous torture, and I can't stand the pain. I've been laughing over things that have been senseless and forced myself to continuously laugh non-stop until my cheeks hurt so bad, but it didn't help. I still felt alone even when I was with Patrine, SingYing, Winny and YingLing. Even if I was flirting with the guys of my class, even if I was talking to your friends like Azmi and Jiawei, I couldn't help but go to your page. I can't stand it anymore..

Because even if you tell me, "There are a lot of guys for you, I'm sure there are lots of them better than me.", I wouldn't believe a word of it. Because I was bent and am still bent on believing that you were the one who treated me best. To tell you the truth, I don't know why either, why I chose you. I knew of your past with that girl, I knew of your personality and how you were, but I just did. I don't know why. I just do.. I'm sorry but.., I guess I've enclosed myself, forbidden any other men to come that close as you did, anymore. Even if I do think of a new guy at times, nothing kills me more than thinking of you because you're the one I miss and always will miss. There's no other guy out there, in this school, that can beat you, and that, I swear. And I don't know what to do anymore, what to say, what to think, what to do.

Tell Me Goodbye.

School as usual, classes as usual. Went to the canteen in the bright early morning and walked past you and Juztin together. Back to the Parade Square and headed for FunFit duty. Slacked around during classes and wrote lots of notes and compositions but were all torn before I even finished. Was on the verge of falling out with YingLing because of some minor quarrel. After school, headed back to my primary school for a visit, only to find no one I know there, besides Mdm Nur. Heard that Miss N.Lee resigned.., and Mrs Tay was on Maternity Leave. Next time, I'm not going to give a fuck to when they said they wanted to meet up anymore, bunch of lying fuckers. So...just slacked at the bookshop and canteen. Headed back home, slept and dreamt of you..

Interpreting movements.

I've got nothing to do now so...just decided to talk about NAPFA today. Well, the canoeists of 2E2 have done us quite proud. And considering that all 3 of them are in my family list, well, I feel proud. Haha.

MinHao's results was terrific, considering that he did about 40 inclined pull-ups, jumped over 200cm, did 49 sit-ups and had 9.8 seconds for his shuttle run. QiRong did 41 inclined pull-ups, jumped over 200cm, did 50 sit-ups and was about 10 seconds for his shuttle run. Hiran did 41 inclined pull-ups, jumped over 210cm, did 50 sit-ups and had 9.2 seconds for his shuttle run. They were all amazing, their competitive spirit had motivated us all to do better and better for each station. Furthermore, MinHao did 10 pull-ups after those 5 items and he was dead beat, but that didn't put him down and he surpassed his limit. He achieved gold, for age 15. Well I must say, I'm proud of you guys, very proud. :) Thank you for being my classmates, guys! :D

The future holds what we cannot behold.

So...went to school as usual. Lessons as usual. Winny changed places with Patrine because of Miss Yap who wanted the Top 14 to sit with the Bottom 14 of our class. Fell asleep in the canteen during Recess, with Patrine. Epic max. Played hangman with Miss Lee at the last period- which was English, since it was her last day in our school for an attachment. After that, ate with clique and Winny, before heading for NAPFA at the Hall.

Results:
Sit-Up: 35.
Standing Broad Jump: 168cm.
Sit and Reach: 32cm.
Inclined Pull-Up: 3.
Shuttle Run: 12.9 seconds.

So...I got a bronze. Haha. Decided to train my body a little and lose some weight, hahaha. Lol.

I saw you today marking your attendance, as usual. And I heard from a few people that you've signed up to participate in a performance with a few of your classmates. You didn't stay back after school today, right? Didn't get to see you and didn't dare to hope for you being at the Hall, which was a good thing because I would've just been disappointed because I know you wouldn't have gone anyways. No reason to, right? I can't help it, I just really miss you. My friends say I'm obsessed and just mad, and just blaming and remembering you so often that I turn emotional and start crying. Yes, they've seen me cry recently, in class. I couldn't help it, I just did.. I'm sorry. You're having a rehearsal for the audition tomorrow, I'd love to watch but...I wouldn't matter anyway. Decided to go back to my primary school, if my parents allow of it.

Fuckin' unreasonable.

To tell you guys the truth, I've had it with Spamers. I've had it with you people who constantly change emotions and treat me as if I'm your best friend yet sometimes treat me like a stranger and completely ignore me. It's as if I'm the only one bothering, like I'm the only one caring and wanting close friends just like everyone else. Yeah, you guys are your own circle and I'm just a spare tyre for you guys to pick and throw as you please each time we have to get into groups. Because I know when that happens, you guys will choose me only when there's one more space. Otherwise, it's just you you you. I've had it. Just because I wasn't required to go for the ERP for the graph-drawing, you guys kept saying, "Fuck you YiLin." and "Fuck off bitch." and stuff. And then you guys laugh. I don't even know whether I want to slap you all or just laugh it off and take it as a joke. Any idea how hurtful those words can be? Seriously. Why the fuck is it my fault when it's you guys who don't have a fucking clue on how to do it and didn't bother to ask me because of my horrible results in the past? The fault lies within you fuckers because you don't trust my work just because I flunked it in Semester 1 because I was lazy. You guys thought that it was just my excuse. So now I'm proving it to you that I can work hard and can make it, and you guys say these type of things. Seriously, there's just no one to go to at times like this, no one to speak to, no one to rant it all out to.

Insomnia.

Had the Monday Blues as usual, and went for P.E. Had NAPFA 2.4km, I got second last, 21 minutes.. Stitch pain acted up again as always, could see the disappointed in my friends' eyes. I didn't get to see you until after my run and I saw you in uniform. Headed back to class and had double Mother Tongue, wrote a composition of my mother and how I'm indebted to her, before it was D&T. Copied notes and headed for Recess after that. Was lagging behind YingLing, SingYing and Patrine and they seemed as if they were ignoring me, until when I was buying my meal and they started talking normally again. (...) Then, double Art. Guailan-ed the teacher until she got really pissed at me and just continued my work and kept spacing off.

Had Science after that and did more work before History. Mr.Ho took relief and then, Assembly. Had to go off for the ASEAN School Games(ASG) Tea Ceremony @ Nanyang Polytechnic. Wanted to look for WenXiang, Hafizah and Jarell but felt it was awkward so I had Justin Teo help me out, and talked to him for the first time. Turned out, only Jarell went and the other two girls didn't want to because they didn't feel like going. So...went with ZhiCheng, ChinMing, Vivien, Jazz, KaiXuan, Justin Pang, Jarell, Kieran, Jordan, Cheryl, Atika and Jessalin. The Sec1s were fucking immature and only Jazz was the only sensible one, seriously. So...went to the concert hall @ Nanyang Polytechnic and sat beside Jordan and ZhiCheng. Watched some dance, fell asleep, heard the Parliamentary Secretary, Hawari Daipi, give a speech.

Slacked around at the buffet after that and ate really little. Went off with ZhiCheng and saw hot guys over there. L O L. Saw Yio Chu Kang Stadium outside and reminded me of when you were at the Garnet cheer.. Headed home, cried, watched tv and just slacked around.

I just really miss you, y'know..? I miss the times when you came up to my house and would hold me by the waist and wouldn't let me go and wanted to kiss. When you came so close and we just kissed, when you stopped me from wanting to go away and back to my house and stopped me from thinking and just enjoy every second of us being together. I just miss those times so much, I just wish you'd still be here for me to spend time with. 'Cause recently, there'd been a few events that we would've been able to meet up. The One Community Walk, especially. And on every Monday, when we have P.E on the first period. But sadly it's all over..

24/7.

It's 24/7 today. And you're on my mind, 24/7; all the time. I hope you're fine after today's walk. Well...goodnight. Sweet dreams, sleep well, take care, god bless, and see you tomorrow. I'm a little scared and not looking forward for tomorrow.., but when I think of you, I guess I should go. But you're the same thing that I'm trying to avoid. I'm a little lost.. Well, I just want you to know that I still love you. Even though I'm a little serious when I talk sometimes, when it's with you, I just feel that fluttery feeling that no one else can nor have ever given. I love you.

Infinite Love.

I'm practically a holiday virgin. Y'know.., sometimes I get jealous when I see couples going out to places on Valentine's Day, Christmas and New Year's Eve and being able to celebrate and welcome the new year with their other half. But then again, it frightens me so at how fragile a relationship can be when both parties are afraid that the opposition might request a breakup. For once, I just want someone to be there and give me surprises once in a while, make me handmade stuffs and give them as a present. Like how Ziegler did; he made a whole video of 10 minutes which took him both time and effort of 3 whole days, for his girl on his anniversary today. I just want someone to celebrate events with me and be able to remember them for the rest of their lives. I just want someone by my side, I just want you. I thought of spending my birthday this year with you, especially when it would've been our 5th monthsary on 16 September. But sadly, we didn't make it to even the second monthsary. So...secretly, I just hope there'd be something more special this year. And I just hope that I'd have someone, a guy, to spend it with this year. A boyfriend. Or rather, you.

Naive yet sincere.

He bought an iPod Nano for you. It costs at least $200 even for just a 2GB one. He must've bought the best one, considering that it's for you. But you don't treasure him at all. Instead, you became a jerk and a bitch and just ignored him when he wanted to pass it to you when he waited all night long for your return and wanted to even pass you money to take a cab home. He was worried that you wouldn't have enough money to take the cab home and he was worried that you might get gastric thus he took it on himself. But ever since he confessed to you, you didn't give a fuck to him. You ignored him and made him suffer more than a month. He spent those days without breakfast nor lunch and he had to face gastric more than 3 times, even during his CCA, because of this and do you have any idea how much he's cried for you? A man cried, for you. Girl, open up your eyes. He's a really great guy. Just because he's nothing but a normal pupil of the school and tends to annoy people by pen-tapping and that he likes to show off his piano skills every now and then, it doesn't give you the right to ignore him. Everyone has flaws, but look at how soft he is right now. He wouldn't tell a soul about this and he wouldn't have if I didn't care. He didn't even dare to tell his best friend. He didn't go to school for days. And he kept mum because he didn't want anyone to know, much less make you feel bad because of this. Seriously what the fuck is wrong with you? Go fuck yourself bitch.

Turn your courage to strength for you to push forward.

After the camp when I went home and texted you, you were still feeling ill and was having a headache. I didn't dare bother you too much lest you get annoyed with me, but you didn't mind and you wanted me to talk to you. So I did. But you didn't reply much and they were either all one-word or late replies. I told myself, "He's sick. Don't bother him too much. Just give in and overlook this because he's ill, he shouldn't over-exert himself." I told myself that as I went to sleep. But that continued for the next few days. I got scared, I got scared and worried that you might be ignoring me because of something I said or done, or that you wanted to break up. So I went around consulting people and asking them for advice.

Turned out, majority of those that I asked got mad at you because you 'ignored' me. Meanwhile, I was stuck at home for those few days because I didn't have any mood to go out. I locked myself in the room and got worried and hugged the babypooh plush and told myself that it was all going to be alright. And you were nice again, soon after. But that only lasted for 30 minutes or so, our conversation, that is. This time, that night, I went to my brother. He told me that you wouldn't break up with me unless I've done something wrong. That assured me and I went to bed and slept soundly. On that day, I dreamt of you again. I dreamt of you in my house, on my bed. And I hugged you.

We didn't talk for days then. And on 7th June, I saw you online and I nearly got so mad at you I just wanted to confront you and scold you. But I didn't dare to. And on that night...you sent me a text. And with that, I headed to my laptop immediately, only to see my inbox message telling me that you wanted to break up. I didn't know how to react. Friends on Facebook saw my relationship status and they told me to cheer up. After that, after midnight, I went back to my room and just cried. I felt torn apart, and I just wanted to throw everything and tear everything apart. I cried like fuck for the next few days and I constantly punched the cupboard until my knuckle was completely numb. Even then, I forced my hand and went ahead and punched so hard, my knuckle was scraped and blood started flowing out. No one knew, no one noticed.

So I went back to Malaysia after that. I tried to let go of everything and just enjoy my stay there since I was there. But I couldn't. On the way back there I just kept crying as I remembered all the things we did. I couldn't help it. I was in the car, and I just cried. But I didn't let out a sound. And no one noticed because it was night. Those nights were the worst days of my life. I don't ever want to dare think that I'm fine when I'm secretly in so much pain. I crushed on 2 other guys during this period of time but the periods were short and didn't last too long. It felt horrible when I constantly went back to you and tried to get over you, time and again. I told myself that you're a flirt and tried to use it as a reason to get over you, but it doesn't help at all because my heart and mind aren't in sync. My heart wanted you back so much..

Friends keep telling me that it's easy to get over someone when they either haven't had crushes or haven't had been in relationships. They had no idea how I felt and there they were, thinking that I'm fine just because I laugh with them when deep down, everything felt torn. Ingrid was the only one who actually bothered to ask further and bothered to take notice when I was trying to give clues about how I felt. She bothered, no one else did. No one. But I guess I shouldn't rely on anyone too much anymore lest history repeats itself and I'm all alone again.

Fashion Fever.

Recently, I've been participating more actively in the school's activities than I ever have. The reason behind, is that I just want to tire myself out so much that I'd do anything to accomplish it. I just want to fall asleep in bed immediately, being dead tired, and not wake up to a new tomorrow. Sometimes I don't even know why we live, I don't even know what to fight for in this world anymore. Nothing's worth the fight anymore, nothing. I just want a long rest, and I don't ever want to wake up again. And I've been trying to embarrass myself by dancing those stupid dances like the Let's Build Community song. Yes, the dance is embarrassing. And I shouldn't even dance, considering that I'm only a P.E Leader. The song isn't that nice either, but I still like doing it when I'm with my friends. And I don't even know why anymore. I've lost myself.

11:11.

3 months ago on this very day, we were out at Vivo. Did memories flash through your mind? I don't think they did. I don't think you'd even care about me anymore. I just want you to know that I really miss you so much, and I love you still, so much that it hurts. I miss how we were, and all the things we did. But I'm happy and contented, knowing the fact that I once had you and managed to forge those memories with you and I'm glad you once loved me. I'm glad I once had you in my arms, and I'm glad we once did all that we did. The movies, dates, hugs and kisses. I'll remember them all. I'm even more glad that you're happier now, without me, than you even was with me. Smile, always. And if one day, when you manage to overcome yourself, know that I'm still waiting here with open arms. I still love you, ozs.

One Community Walk @ MacRitchie Reservoir.

Well...woke up at 5 in the morning feeling really drowsy. Headed to MacRitchie Reservoir after surfing Facebook and posting a few statuses. Slacked around and met up with YangZhi and the rest. You were late. Texted Ingrid and told her some stuff and I couldn't help but keep looking at you.. My group turned out to be Group 1, headed to the bus, saw my classmates and schoolmates and got the residents to go to the slopes and had them sit there before the emcees, Senhe and some other girl, came up and announced the commence of the One Community Walk.

Danced the Let's Build Community dance and had some weird people dancing and we were supposed to dance along but didn't. Ran to the back and joined the others because it was so awkward and there were photographers. After that, proceeded to the walk and I looked for you again.. Went up to people and started chatting with them and then, caught up to you. You paused there and just stood there, and I went ahead of you.

Listened as the people ranted about the Reservoir and that the ground was once made of mud/soil and it was disgusting and all. She didn't like her daughter-in-law, that resident I talked to. Said she was really selfish, lol. Then, went back after the walk and marked attendance with Miss Chiang, before we had to go around surveying a minimum of 3 people. Headed around and saw you again, with JiHyo. Talked to people like Mdm Thor, Miss Ng and Mr Sugu. Met up with my classmates and talked around before heading to find Ingrid.

Saw her, and suddenly something flashed across in my mind and I felt as if I've been in that place before... Talked to her for a while before heading back and looking for my class. ChinMing and Mdm Thor tried to snap a photo of me. -.- Then, headed back after looking at you with your class, with Mr Yip and taking a photo for the people who dressed up in traditional costumes.. Canceled the badminton game with Javier because the court was taken up.


I felt you looking at me today when I was shouting, beside you, to my classmates. But I'm not sure if you did. All I know is that I miss you so damn fucking much that I'd go on my knees and beg for you to want me back if it means doing it in front of the whole damn fucking school. I'm no longer who I was anymore. I feel myself being so much more of a bitch, I feel myself being so much more angry and upset with life, and I feel myself so much more empty. And only you can fix me now.. But I guess that no matter what I do, you won't come back. So.., I've got to constantly remind myself that you're gone now and I don't want you back. Because I know you don't want to be back and I don't want you to stick by my side if it means hurting yourself. So...bye. Farewell.

Tears built from memories.

If you're happier without me, then I should really just let you be and not annoy you anymore. I really should just stop being so annoying and just try to be a friend. Or maybe a 'hi-bye' friend. Or maybe, we should just go back to strangers. Because I don't want to fall in love with you all over again.

I'd rather not have you by my side, if it means seeing you suffer in silent misery. 

I'm scared.

I don't want to go tomorrow. I don't want to be with 2E2's pupils who are going because either I'm not close with them, or that they know me too well and apparently, one of them is FX. He has a crush on me. I don't want to talk to him anymore, seriously. I don't particularly hate any of them, but I'm not close with the girls, and the boys just plain suck, honestly. Adding on to the fact that I don't know 2 other members of my group, I just feel so lost. I just wish I was still his girl, so that I could be with him this time round and I wouldn't feel so lost and I'd be happy.

These days, I've been missing you more and more.

Love is more than hugs and kisses, love is about trusting each other, and having faith in your relationship. - Marcus.

Honestly, I've no clue why people who are in relationships always tend to quarrel. What's so good about quarreling? The fact that you guys shout at each other and sometimes even turn physical, and end up having cold wars until someone gives in and apologizes? Sometimes, they wouldn't even give in, and they'd just say, "Let's break up." as simple as that. But when I think in their shoes, I get really envious. Because I know, the opposition who would give in and apologize first, obviously proves that he/she loves you enough to want you back. I get really envious of that.

It's my secret, and sometimes I wish I had quarreled with someone once in a while, though not overboard. So that he could apologize and say those really sweet stuffs. I don't know why but I'm like that. :/ But I doubt anyone would do it. And that just makes me all the more, afraid of quarreling because I'm afraid that they didn't love me enough to apologize and give in. I've tried and tried to get over you but honestly, I can't. People tell me that you're not worth it. Ingrid told me that, "it's hard but you have to do it." My friends pull me away when they know I'm thinking of you and that I'm looking for you. They'd shove me into places such as the classroom, or away from wherever you were.

I'm really worried that you don't get your sleep recently, that you don't do well in your studies lately. I'm afraid that you can't concentrate and screw up really often because of the turn of things that happen often. But then again, you look fine. Maybe you're really fine, maybe it's just me over-thinking. Maybe, you don't even care. But I just hope you'd look at my blog, all these posts, once in a while. And if you do, I just secretly carry that glimmer of hope that we'd be together again. And I'm trying to lie, and fake a smile, and tell everyone that I'm over you. But I know I can't. Guess I'll just have to try.

It wasn't suppose to end the way it did.

Saw you in school today when I was rushing in and headed to the canteen with YingLing 'cause I was running late. Danced the community walk dance, entertained by Azmi, as always. Headed to the P.E Leaders' meeting for those who have helped out at the ASG(ASEAN School Games) Competition'11. Tea-ceremony on Monday, I get to skip Chinese Orchestra and go to Nanyang Polytechnic. Wow. o.o So yeah. First period, Mathematics. Did work on some equations of names that I completely forgot. Lol. Next, double P.E. Got disiao-ed by YangZhi and he stepped on my shoe, nearly tripped. -.- Got the box, ended up, wasted effort. Went to do some exercises at the field, tucked in my P.E shirt and pretended to be a good student and made the rest do the same(out of fun, surprisingly they did.), played along with them and did the Let's Build Community dance. Second half, played Captain's Ball and didn't get to see you.. Hid in the shelter and the ball rolled over and passed it to my team. Lol. Helped out I guess. Then, dismissed.

History. Continued some of my Maths before starting to copy down the notes. After, Recess. Queued up for damn long before getting to buy my food and ate last. Had Patrine, Sy and YingLing wait for me while they kept laughing and saying I looked cute(wtf? ._.). Back to class and looked up to see you, but got shoved in by YingLing. Next, English. Did edits to the Gobi Desert information and just slacked around. Next, Science. Slacked, obviously, did my Mathematics before the bell for dismissal went off. Waited for Mr.Sugu and Miss Yap to get to class before they gave the community walk shirts, but turned out, had to give it back anyways. -.- Rushed to the AVA room with YangZhi and ZhiCheng and sat with Adibah. Saw ChinMing, Colin, WenXiang, Jordan and Kieran. Teamed up in groups of 8, the whole of 2E2, 2T2's Valerie and some other Tamil girl. Didn't get to see you again.. (...) Got our community shirts before I rushed off and headed to 3T2 for Chinese Orchestra's farewell party for 4E, 4N, 4T, and 5Ns. Got to see Rachel and Geraldine and all the rest. ^^ Ate Hawaiian pizza and got to slack around talking to Ingrid, Rachel and the rest. ♥!

JingHui and Kiefer rushed in after that, only to get to drink blueberry tea. Then, they rushed off to go for their F&N coursework. ): Then, Rachel headed off after that, said goodbye. Headed for practice, halfway through, saw you and paused there completely. Jolene caught me and called out for your name, and just stayed there until Miss Ng told me to go off. She asked about you, who you were and how you were related to me. I didn't dare to say a word and just said you were my friend. But now, I know, we're not even friends. But deep down, you should know, it wasn't supposed to have ended this way. It wasn't even suppose to have ended.. Practiced, teacher pms-ed as always. Nathaniel left at 3 and I kept moving from place to place and talked to Ingrid while sitting beside her and SingYing. Disturbed WanKang. LOL. Saw Joyomitro at the canteen, foyer and outside ErHu's practice room. (: And Ted, working hard as an NCC cadet. But I didn't get to see you.. Saw Hafizah and she said hi, ate noodles while sitting beside Jolene Tan and headed back to class for practice. Met Ingrid halfway. Practiced, then waited for Ingrid and back to Music storeroom before going off and saying bye to SingYing, Patrine, Jolene and Ingrid. ♥ Met Winny halfway through, Jordan and Huishan. Said hi but he ignored. -.- Went off, back home. Slept until 10.30.

I hope your Chinese would improve, hope you'd put in the effort to do your best. Because, you do know, there's nothing unachievable when you do your best. You know it. Just hope I'd get to see you on Sunday.. Honestly, I just need a second chance to make it right, just one more chance..

I had this really weird thing that went on last night. I was thinking about the next person I would've tried to crush on if I ever do get over you. Later that night, while I was asleep and hugging the babypooh that represented you, I dreamt of him. But it wasn't pleasant; it was a nightmare. But it's rather stupid. You might not want to see but..yeah. I'd still type it out. Skipping the details, etc etc. Then, I woke up, and was practically at the brim of tears. I hugged the pooh, and I had this really bad feeling for the whole day and even now. I'm scared..

Exhaustion.

School as usual. Was alone for the morning and walked around and talked to YongJun and QiRong. Then, morning assembly and danced while YingLing didn't want to. Vanessa Lam said Wendy looks like a dog. Seriously, have you looked in the mirror? -.- So yeah, danced danced danced~ Then, double English. Had a woman directly from MOE to come and watch Miss Lee teach. Did Facts&Opinions today. Groupwork with Pooky, Abigail and Winny, had to group what were facts and what were opinions in the same category. Then, Mother Tongue. Slacked around and did newspaper work. After that, Maths. Ate into our Recess by 5 minutes because of the test, simultaneous equations. And I guess, it's the easiest test I've had so far in Secondary School. ._. After that, went out of class with Patrine and ditched YingLing, LOL. Slacked in Science and helped Winny plan her 'book' for SAYR. (; Corrected some of her grammar before going off for ChineseOrchestra. Met like, EVERYONE, already. LOL. Guess they didn't want to stay in class! xD Then, played the song with Nathaniel for a while before going off to the Hall.

Met Edwin at the Hall, he was wearing orange. :o Saw Ted and Cassandra too. Then, slacked around while the Shanghai people danced and talked and introduced themselves. After that, Chinese Orchestra performed and I saw the juniors like Jazz. Oh my. Screwed up the Malay song halfway through, paused there for 5 seconds. -.- Ingrid told me to get over you, and she went super high while talking about something. (; Then, went off for the Racial Harmony Day Chaperons Meeting. Saw you again. And saw ChinMing and Jordan. :D Was nice to know there were people there that I knew. Then Jordan said, "Eh, your ZhanSong over there leh!" and I told him to shut up. ._. Then, you left to your classroom. Headed back to the Music Room after everything was over, didn't even say bye to ChinMing. :/ Didn't get to see Ingrid nor Nathaniel, so just slacked around. Put back the instruments, Nathaniel helped me, then went off.

Maybe after I get over you, I might be able to say hi again to you. Maybe I'd be able to talk like nothing has ever happened before, just like how you do with Janice. Maybe, this is all just a dream, and I'm waking up. 'Cause I know, my friends will be around to help me out if I ever do fall in and out of love again. Just like how they did this time. I love you guys, to the very fucking max. Ingrid, JiaWei, MinHao, Patrine, Ted, WeiXiang, Winny, YingLing. But secretly, I do still think about us sometimes, and how we used to be. Just hope this will all be over soon. And maybe.., I'm falling for someone else already.

Before I realized, I hated the Sec3s this year. Before I realized anything at all, I found out that I avoided eye contact with any of them, as much as possible. But the more I think, the more I know, that there's a lot of good Sec3 pupils this year. Alvin, ChinMing, Christie, Edwin, Ingrid, JiaWei, Jolene, Nathaniel, Samantha, Supriadi, WanKang, and you.

Essence of time.

A real man doesn't need to use sex as a reason to keep the love going. A real man isn't greedy, he doesn't need two girls to keep his life happening. A real man places his girl before himself and never wanna see her heart breaking, nor see her eyes tearing. Cos she's everything. - Naomi Neo.

I'm such an idiot, such a fool. Why the fuck do I still bother, why the fuck am I angry at you and also worried and scared? Why the fuck is this happening? Why the fuck do I still fucking give a flying fuck to this? Why the fuck did you have to talk to her? If it wasn't for my friend, maybe I would have never known.. I'm sorry but, it looks like this is reality. Fuck, why'd you have to do this. I'm sorry but I still love you, and it's fucking killing me inside knowing that you could flirt and talk to other girls, still. It just hurts.

I'd rather be an idiot than lose you.

School today, talked to SingYing and headed to the canteen as usual. Went for FunFit duty soon after, said hi to Ted and managed to see you at the back of your class. Had FunFit session, talked to ChinMing, Sandra and ZhiCheng. Had to watch over the girls as they practiced throwing, Bianca went mad. Took over Sandra and helped her carry out her duty and played Captain's Ball with her group, Delta. Was embarrassing to keep raising my arms. >< And there were only 2girls vs. 2 boys. Velan was referee. Then, duty ended and got nagged at by Mr.Ho. He claimed that his group, Delta, was very good. ChinMing and I laughed like mad, LOL. Then, went back and managed to see you again after running back to my class and surprising Winny. Went back to the front after chatting with YongJun and QiRong, said hi to YingLing and started dancing the Let's Build Community dance. :P 2E1 girls was looking at me and giggling. What's so funny, retards.

Then, had Literature test even though we had only 20 minutes left, wtf. Rushed out question 1's answers then History, did ANOTHER test. Screwed up like hell, call parents tomorrow, wee~ Double Science, headed to the Science Lab and followed by Recess. Saw you walking outside the Band Room and to somewhere around the General Office and...

YiLin: Omg, is that him?!
YingLing: No it isn't..
YiLin: You sure?! Wait!
YingLing: It's not, YiLin!
YiLin: OMG OMG IT IS LA OI.
YingLing: YILIN NO IT IS NOT. *starts dragging me away*
YiLin: NOOOOOOO OMG IT'S HIM LA! *screams*
YingLing: Omg...YiLin! Let's go! *drags me away*

Started screaming like hell, god. Headed up to Ingrid and screamed, "Ingrid!" and I think Ashley got stunned. ;o Then, got lectured by YingLing and was told that I was insane already. ._. Saw JiaWei, Alvin, Kenneth and the rest at the foyer after going down. SingYing went home because of a high fever. ): Ate with Patrine, YingLing, Carmen and Fenna. Slacked around and changed my clothes while Patrine and YingLing waited for me. Slacked around and saw ShaoYi, Eileen and Crystal act like maniacs laughing away. Childish. -.- Headed back to class, slacked around. :>

YiLin: E2 oiiiiiii!
Class: *silence*
YiLin: Patrine oiiiii!
Patrine: Oiiiii!
YingLing: Yangmehmeh oiiiii! Mehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Patrine, YiLin, Winny: HAHAHAHA.
YiLin: YANGMEHMEH OIIIIIIIII!
Patrine, YingLing: MEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
YangZhi: SHUT UP LAAAAA.

:P Funny bunch of people, I swear. ^^ And also...

YiLin: Winny oiiiiii! Meowwwwwwww.
Winny: Hahaha! 
YiLin: WINNY OIIIIIII!
Winny: Meowwwwwwwwwwwwww.
YiLin: Adibah oiiiiii!
Adibah: Oiiiiiii!
YiLin: Emmanuel oiiiiii!
Emmanuel: Oi.
YiLin: WALAO NO FUN ONE. FANXING OIIIIII.
FanXing: Huh?
YiLin: FANXING OIIIIIII. Oink.
FanXing: *falls off his seat*
YiLin: HAHAHAHAHAHA.


YiLin: One silent clap!
Patrine, Winny, Amani, YingLing, Adibah: *claps* Shhhhhhhhh~

YiLin: Roll over the ocean~
Patrine, YingLing, Winny: ROLL OVER THE SEA.
YiLin, Patrine, YingLing, Winny: GO AND DO YOUR PART TO BUILD COMMUNITY.
YangZhi: SHUT UP LAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

So yup! Then, continued Literature test during CME period. After that, double Maths. Listened to Ms Yeo nag because I asked her about her previous school. -.- Zzz. Then, Mathematics again, had the teacher-in-charge of 3N2(don't know the name, he didn't introduce himself), entertain all of us. Funny max sia la he! "LEPAK ONE CORNER ONLY.", "ROC = Relax one corner!", "I HANG YOU ON THE TREE AH IF YOU SAY ONE MORE COLD JOKE." Omg, all funny max pls! Laughed like maniacs, the guys and a few girls. :P Then, had Mother Tongue. Mr Ho came in. -.- Guailan-ed him, and the whole class ignored him. LOL. Did our worksheet, Miss Yap and Mr.Sugu came in giving Pooky the RHD-catwalk competition clothing, which was Emmanuel's mother's dress. Went off after that without Patrine nor YingLing. Headed to Popular and bought a few stuff, had trouble choosing which to buy! Headed home, starting playing those emo songs again.. Geez. Saw your previous wall posts with Janice, HuiYi and Ashley, started emoing like fuck. Zzz. Why'd you have to be such a flirt, seriously? ):

I don't know why I keep caring. Even when you're not mine anymore. I don't know why it was you, I don't know why and what happened, I don't even know what I've become anymore.. Tomorrow's the performance, for all Sec1 and Sec2s to watch. I hope you'd be there though, cheering me on. But it's just my dream. After all, Sec3s aren't invited to go watch.

Fuck you, fuck you too, fuck you all, fuck you.

I guess this means that Spamers lost a member. I wished to think that you didn't let her use your account on purpose to expose all that we've said about her, but it seems you did. We're all disappointed in you, a lot. Haiz. We used to believe in you the most, but sadly it seems you've backstabbed us all.

I'm sorry but.., I get jealous when I see your name appear in someone's photo likes. But this is all secret, this is just within my blog's premises. I'm sorry but, it just eats into me. I know I'm not like them, I'm not amazing, I screw up, I try to act cool but end up making a fool out of myself, I don't try my best, I give up easily, I cry a lot, I laugh really little and I can easily make you emo by talking all the emo stuff with you. Yeah, that's just me and I'm sorry but I'm like this. No matter how much I try to change, it just doesn't work and everyone still hates me. I know it. Deep down, everyone hates me.

Impressions.

School. Went to the canteen with Sy and rushed out my D&T. Then, back to class after seeing him.. First was double IPW. Did more planning and work, ate chocolate biscuits with Winny and Amani and went high. Then, Literature. Did comprehension, followed by History. Had free period while we could either slack/study the answers that Mrs.Tay gave us. Next, Recess. Poured Green Tea into Sabine's barley drink, which got Sy into huge trouble.. Mother Tongue, did corrections. Then, double English. Did more work and more comprehension + summaries. Last was Mathematics, did quadratic equations. After school, slacked with YingLing, Winny, Patrine and Sy at the canteen and to 1T1 classroom with Mr.Sugu and the rest for English ERP. Saw a swarm of bees and the girls screamed. -.- Then, saw the boys at the basketball court and drove to Popular. Got Winny her blue cards for her 2nd monthsary with SAYR. ;) Went home, slacked, cried. Pm-ed by Ingrid that she saw my blog, oh nooo~ LOL. And, had to settle Sy's side and tomorrow, settling with Sabine. Geez. -.- Stupid max, childish. _|_


I got to see you again today, you were marking your attendance, as usual.

Turn on your break lights, we're in the city of wonder.

School today. Saw you today, marking attendance. Somehow, had the Monday blues. Then got high and sang the Let's Build Community song when I saw you stand. :P Kept screaming like some madwoman trying to get everyone to stand up, and one of them said, "Eh, why so enthu sia, P.E Leader only, cheh!" So yeah.. And, I didn't get mad, which is like, super rareee. Then, sang along~ Did the dance too, then every guy ran to the back, only JiaYi was left. -.- And the gap was like...more than 10 people ran to the back. =.= Huishan was so cute omg! LOL. And then, back to class and changed into P.E. Shouted at the class and demanded for them to arrive in 10 minutes, at the Parade Square. Winny helped take the valuables' box, saw your class and you. Made everyone sit in line before we left to the field. Ran for 2 rounds before the weather took a turn for the worse, headed to shelter and back to class. Got to see you again.

Then, double Mother Tongue. Did a test, sat beside Patrine and kept laughing with SingYing, Patrine, FanXing, ZhiCheng and the rest. xD Funny max la they all. :P Then, D&T. Teacher saw my work, presented it on the screen and said she was very impressed(which was practically the best compliment compared to everyone else). Got a little embarrassed. >< And they were like, "Eh, I don't care ah, take D&T next year, we sure help!" LOL. It's either Art or D&T. ;) Then, Recess. Listened to Sabine rant to Patrine and me because of Karamjit(who scolded her during P.E and said she was a pretender and the worst leader he has ever seen. She cried.). Then, slacked with them again. Next, double Art. Lord.. Kept guailan-ing the teacher, didn't give a damn to her work. ._. Then, Science. Copied answers, last was History. Had a pop quiz, but ended up, Mrs Tay gave all the answers. LOL. Then, form-teacher period. Talked about the RHD thingy.

Went to the bomb shelter after that with FanXing, ZhiCheng and YangZhi. Lost track of YangZhi halfway, then met up with Adibah and HsinYu after that, before YangZhi arrived. Saw you again.., kept looking at you. ): I miss you.. Tried to laugh as much as I could just now, but if I could, would've emo-ed the whole way. Then, you nearly fell asleep and Miss Chiang said, "Everyone, look at ZhanSong." Turned immediately and saw you looking really tired.. Hope you're fine. ); Had a sudden heartache when I saw you talk to Ashley for the conversation. But I guess it's fair, since I talked to YangZhi, too.. (...) I'm sorry.. Then, had a conversation with Mrs Ang. Had to go into rows of 3, saw you at my row, and our eyes met. But turned away immediately.. Got depressed like fuck when you left, talked to Mrs Ang for the conversation and ran away instantly. Headed to the Music Room and saw the conductor. Practiced as normal, but I guess I pissed Jolene(Tan) off.. JiaWei kept spamming and prank-calling. -.- Then, left for home. Performance on Thursday, how I wish you'd be there..

I miss you so much.. ZhanSong...
Today.., I wrote your name on my Science workbook. Winny saw it, and told me not to think too much. YingLing did too. But, tell me, how can I not think of you? Winny told me to find a new boyfriend, and said that you'd get a new girlfriend real soon. And she mistook that the reason you wanted to break up was because I didn't want to give *that up to you. And she recommended people from the Secondary 2 and 3, and even the 4s, but they're just not comparable to you. None of them. There's no other guy out there that can beat you, because you're the one that has and will ever treat me, the best. Because you know the pain when you feel loss, and that's why you'd never hurt anyone.

You're everything that makes me fall in love.

I can't help but get jealous every single time I see you post on a girl's wall, comment on their status/photo, or when a girl likes your status and flirts with you. It just annoys me, and I don't have a clue why. I've no reason to either. When I saw Michelle and Kristel like your status, it just annoys me so much that I want to go up to them and just whack them so hard they'd get scared and never go close to you again. But I know I can't do that, 'cause I've got no rights to, neither would I because I'm just so gutless. I'm sorry I get jealous. I'm sorry that I can't get over you, I'm sorry that I think of you all the time and go through your profile. I'm sorry I'd like almost all your statuses and links and photos. I'm sorry I'm such a pain in the neck. I'm sorry for everything, I just feel like slapping myself so hard and ignoring everyone and just going MIA. But I can't..

I've put up the blog link on my Facebook. It's visible to only you and Ingrid. But I doubt you'd see this, I doubt you'd do anything even if you do. I'm sorry but..you're everything that makes me fall in love. Yeah, those are song lyrics, but, I mean it. You're nice, you're sweet, you make fun of things a lot but you do get serious in the right times. You always cheer me up and care for me, you'd help me out in my studies if I ask. You do all sorts of weird stuff, you post statuses that make a lot of people laugh. You're cool that way. You get along with almost everyone. You never talk bad about others(at least, not much), you never disrespect your elders, you're a filial son to your parents and you've never raised your voice at your pms mum. You're just awesome. And you're the one that I want to be with. But I doubt you'd never feel the same.

I've never felt what I feel towards anyone else but you. Not even Jonathan, not even Ted. You make my emotions go on a roller-coaster ride. From the warmth of love that you showered me with to the depths of despair knowing that you wanted to break up. Honestly, I didn't dare to believe that you really wanted a breakup. It never crossed my mind. I thought, during the time when you were sick, that you just needed some time. You talked to me, still. It was a little colder than how you usually talked but.., I thought that it was just a few mood swings that would occur when someone's recovering. I talked to people like Victor Goh, FanXing, Amani, Ingrid and other people, they told me to either give up, slowly wait and give you space(Ingrid) or just dump you. It never crossed my mind that the first person you'd dump is me, it never even crossed my mind that we'd break up. We didn't make it to even the second month.

To tell you the truth, I was a little disappointed. But filled with despair as well. I'm sorry but...I can't get over you yet. But I think you have, already. After all, you don't want to talk about these stuff right now..right? I don't want to regret anything, I don't want to regret after letting you go. So I just hope.., you'd give me a reply when you could face me, or when I could face you. Because then, I'd be able to come to a decision. But for now...I guess I should just hold on, just for the time being. :') I don't know how long it'll be but...yeah.

I love you.

11:11.

So...I wished for you again. I hugged my babypooh plush while resting on my bed, because I dreamt of you again. I dreamt of you sitting on my parents' bed, watching TV. I climbed up behind you and hugged you, but you didn't seem to have any reaction. Then, I woke up. I tossed and turned, but I couldn't get back to sleep. So I woke up, prepared to go out with my parents today, and went onto the laptop. I listen to the song you recommend, like, all the time. It's really nice. But I don't think it'll ever apply to me, haha. (...) Well, bye..

I love you more and more as each day passes, and I can't seem to stop. I think about how happy I was in the past, and when I think of you, I'd suddenly smile and laugh. Then, I'd cry, thinking how it all faded away and you leaving me all alone now. And ever since then, everyone's been going away too..

'Best friend' is a promise, not a label.

So tell me, who's truly there for me, who are the ones who truly care?

Amani? Nah, all she cares about - guys, love, hotness, gossip. Patrine? Close, but not. Fenna? Nope. SingYing? Fuck no. Victor? Was once there, but no longer now.

So I guess this leaves me with Ingrid, JiaWei, Winny, and you. But recently even you guys are fading away..

You haven't changed from being a bitch.

You transferred out of our school. On the last day of school, a lot of us cried over those who were leaving, including you. When all of us entered 8th grade, we thought you'd change, expecting you to be a whole new person when you come back and visit us once in a while. During the first few times during your visit, you were indeed somehow different. But yesterday, you showed me how much you didn't care about your face and could act cute and use someone to make someone else jealous when he wouldn't even give a fuck. And when you act cute, it's always that high-pitched voice and 'mmmmmm' and sucking up to that person, it's disgusting. And let me ask you, what's wrong with going with another friend instead of you?

Suck it up bitch, I was never close with you, just because we were classmates, it doesn't give you the permission to hog all of us. We have our own things to do, not entertain you just because it's "rare" for you to visit us. You expected me to wait on you and wait for the people around to disperse when I know they would never? You want me to sacrifice my break and not even get to talk to you? I don't think I would, even if you wanted me to do so. I'd rather have hung with Ingrid. We got to talk about our things and met our other friends from other instruments. If I talked to you and hung with you instead, I bet I'd just get annoyed. Not only by you, but also, the people around. So just buzz off, seriously. It's better if you were gone anyways.

Rights and wrongs.

I saw a status posted by someone. It's Samantha Tan. "Just let it go when you have to you dumb dumb !! No point hanging on to it when you know that it will not come back to you..." Well...I'm sorry, but you've no fucking rights to call me 'dumb dumb'. -.- And, you don't know what exactly is going on, so please, don't act like you're everything. I gave you the right to hit me, to talk crap about me, to laugh at me, to make fun of me, and to order me around because you are my senior and I respect that. But don't go overboard; no one gave you the right to care, and I don't need nor want you to care about the things between me and him because I didn't tell it to you for your opinion. In fact, I didn't even tell you. -.-