Strawberrytelle.

It’s love when the only thing you want to see are his eyes gazing into yours. When the only thing you want to feel are his arms around you. When the only thing you want to taste are his lips against yours. When the only thing you want to smell is the gentle scent of his skin. And when the only thing you want to hear is his voice, telling you how much he loves you. ♥

Falling apart.

Everything's falling apart. My class is in total chaos and our new class group should just be renamed as anti-Sabine. Seriously. I'm sick and tired of our quarrels, rumors, badmouths. Just so tired of all these drama, just hoping there's someone out there who agrees with me, who also feels that it's tiring and lame and stupid to even think about it.

Anyways, yesterday, I didn't go for Chinese Orchestra. Fell ill. Slacked around outside the Music Room and met up with Ingrid, Jiawei and the rest. Been rather awkward around Jiawei recently, but at the same time, feeling closer to him, too. Okay that just sounds wrong. Never mind. So...talked, slacked, then Miaoxuan accompanied me all the way to the d&t staircase and even sent me off, so sweet! ^^ LOL.

Outside of school, I was with my parents and in the car. I turned to one direction(my right), I saw Mark. I got so shocked, and I think he saw me too. Hurriedly turned to the other direction and it wasn't any better, because I saw you. ._. You looked angry, don't know why though.. So...our eyes met for about a second, I think.

Turned away immediately and felt so frightened. Even though I keep saying I want to say hi to you, well..secretly, I'm running away. Running away, hiding from you. And I'm afraid that I might never be able to see nor talk to you ever again while looking at you in the eye, 'cause I'm afraid of the memories that will haunt me once again. Well, they still are haunting but...I've learnt to live with it.


2E2'11, 1E2'10, Erhu'11, Chinese Orchestra'11, I'm sick of you.

Once in a lifetime experience.

School today as usual. Saw you talking to your friends and you were outside the inSpace for some time before heading back to your class to mark your class' attendance. Today, classes were much more solemn strangely. Everyone was quiet and no one was in the mood to have fun, not even Yongjun and Zhicheng. Recess, saw Felicia with other 3N3 pupils at the Mac Tables, then Felicia whispered something and all of them turned to me all of a sudden. Frightened the shit out of me. ._.

Then, Science followed by double D&T. Went to the workshop and was working on my project with Patrine. PC at the end of the day, Miss Yap said that she wanted to ask for my parents to meet up but she gave me another chance so I'm not in trouble. ;) After school...was the most awkward moment of my whole BHSS life.

Patrine, Fenna, Sabine and I were at the canteen. We saw Jiawei, Alvin and the rest. Yeehuan and Joey went to the canteen as well, followed by the whole group of guys- you, Karthik, Yuenfone, Mark and the rest. They spotted me and your friend shouted to you to say hi. I got so awkward, and you were smiling and laughing. I didn't know why but you were.. I didn't, in the end, and they said, "Walao eh." After that, I was still at the drinks' stall and Hiran and Amani were there too. You came in and bought your drink, you didn't turn back. We left and I saw Mark and the rest looking this direction.

I got so scared and I headed to the Mac Tables immediately. After that, we were slacking around. You went for the games thing with your class. Patrine wanted to look so...I went with them and went to the parade square and watched your class from there for just a few seconds. Then, we sat outside the band room and waited, and waited, and waited.. After that, the girls came in followed by you guys after changing. You were the first guy of your class that I saw, when I turned my head to my right. I got so scared and I avoided eye contact. Supriadi and Jiawei called me by your name, too.. And Jiawei apologized.

Imperfection.

Didn't update yesterday 'cause I was super tired and went to sleep, and after I woke up I didn't want to so yeah. No one cares anyways so I guess it's my choice to see if I want to blog or not I guess?

Yesterday:
School-ed as per usual. Passed by you outside the canteen, but I turned away.. Stayed back after school and saw a lot of people that I didn't really want to see, and you were having some workshop and left only at 5.30.

Today:
Felt really unwell but still managed my way to school. Went to school and met up with Patrine. Headed to the canteen and saw you, eye contact for a second and I turned away while you continued talking to your friend, behind the pillar which was in front of the drinks stall. Went back and went again with Fenna. This time, you were gone. Went for FunFit duty with LiMing and met up with Amani and ZhiCheng. Went to the gym with Karamjit and the Bravo group. Said hi to ChinMing and Joyomitro while going back to the street soccer court to collect my bag with ZhiCheng and headed back to class.

Classes as usual. Literature, then History, and for the first time, I didn't sleep in Science class and was in fact, participating in the practical activities Iskandar wanted us to do. :o Recess, with Fenna and Patrine. Changed and went back to class. CME, slacked around and then, double Maths. Scored 32/50 for my Maths test, happygirl97! ^~^ *applause* But, failed my History and Chinese, by 3.5 and 1.5 marks respectively. F U C K. Went to Square 2 and United Square with Patrine, Fenna, Winny and Sabine.

Back to school and passed by Jordan and Sean. Saw Karthik going down while we were going back to school and parted ways with Fenna and Winny as they went for Dance rehearsal. Was slacking outside the hall and Patrine and Sabine were enthusiastically anticipating Zs' performance while I kept hiding. Colin was there, too. Joey, Yeehuan and Jolene passed by me and Jolene guailan-ed. First was Azman's group, then Ted&Karl, then 3E2. The dance was amazing but...hilarious at the same time. Couldn't stop laughing and Yeehuan kept looking this way while you were dancing away happily..


I wish I was the girl that everyone liked. I wish I was the girl that was flawless, and beautiful. I wish I was the girl that was famous all around school. I wish I was the girl that no one hated. I wish I was the girl that you would love. Sometimes, I just dream of perfection. I just wish, that hate didn't exist. That love didn't exist. Sometimes, I just dream a little too much. I keep thinking that..you'd come back. But every single time I see you, my heart just breaks a little more than I can handle. My mum and friends recently asked me how I'd be celebrating my birthday. I don't know what to tell them. I want to celebrate with you just like how Joey did but..we're not talking, we're not friends, we've had a past. I know how awkward it'll be so I guess it's just my imagination but secretly, I just wish..

I've been feeling really unwell lately. There's been some problems in my body that I've no idea how to put in words nor describe, and I feel like I'm a completely different person. It just feels so uncomfortable and I feel so...unbelonging. I don't know what's going on but..I'm scared. I'm scared of what might happen to me. I don't want to regret anything nor have anything wrong with me at such a young age. I'm not even 14 yet. And for the first time in my life, I really need someone here to tell me everything's going to be alright, that nothing will go wrong, that it's just my hallucinations working up. But...even if they do tell me, something just doesn't feel right. And right now, I just want to hug you and tell you how much I miss you. I just..am thinking too much. And I've no idea how to tell you at all, so I just keep bottling it up, time and again.

Somehow.

Somehow, I feel that...I don't really care anymore. Now that I look at the tumblr posts, now that I think real hard and deep enough.., I just feel that nothing's important anymore. Because somehow, with or without you, life still goes on. I'm actually amazed of myself being able to laugh even during the period when I was at my worst state of mind- during the holidays. Even though now, I don't smile much anymore, I still feel like there's some hope out there. But...I bet, tomorrow, those feelings will return. I want to say hi, just say hi. And...I want to watch your rehearsal for Teacher's Day. I want to be able to see you and be able to have eye contact with you without feeling any fear and be able to say hi. I don't want us to become strangers again, I don't want you to have a new crush. But things will change, nothing can remain forever.. I miss you, babyboy.

All that matters now is that I'm still here for you.

"If a guy lets you go, he really loves you." I found this on some weird blog that I ended up on after blog-hopping for some time, about 100 facts about guys that girls should know. I'm not sure if this is true, but I do know that your feelings are dead, not that you love me. Fooling and deceiving myself seems to be a daily routine now, ehs? How foolish can I get, seriously.


Anyways, school today. Ingrid didn't come to school. :c Spent the morning slacking and barely talking to anyone except for Patrine and Fenna. P.E, I saw you going back to your class while I was heading for P.E. You came at my direction in your P.E, with Kiki. I got rather jealous, but just ignored it. Then...you vanished. Your class headed to play games, the guys went to basketball/soccer. You were there. Patrine and I slacked by the side, and I saw you again. Patrine said...you looked this way. Did you? :/

After that, double MT. Had to write a letter of complaint, then D&T. Headed to the D&T workshop and started on my project's base and I didn't get to see you. Went back to class, halfway through outside the band room, I saw you. And, Patrine told me you were walking towards my direction when Mrs Ang caught me for folding my skirt. Recess, ate with Patrine and Fenna. After that, double Art. Combined tables with Fenna and MinHao, renamed the United Nations (Y). Drew and completed my work.

Science, slacked. History, had to copy notes as usual. Then...Assembly. Before going to the hall, bumped into Miss Yap and gave her the repentance letter to redeem my books that she had confiscated. You walked past, and I tried to ignore you but still glanced at you. You walked behind me.. Together with the guys. Then followed by the girls, they started harassing Miss Yap so Winny, Fenna, Patrine and I decided to head to the hall. Saw you sitting at the front of your class, saw Colin and Janice, too.

Following after that, headed to 3E2 classroom to collect the books, saw Monica, Yingshan and the rest, together with Hongyu, doing their F&N retest. Had to remain silent before Miss Yap finally got the books. Collected mine and headed off with Patrine and Fenna, went different ways with Fenna and to the staff room and collected stuffs that Miss Yap assigned Fenna to take. Thanks to Mrs Lim, we managed to enter the staff room. Went to the Music Room and to the Hall, back and fro. Performed for the judges from the Marina Barrage, we were up to their standard and were to perform on 090911. :D

Do you?

Do you? I've heard from my friends that you do look when I'm not looking but I've never believed it was true. Do you?

Fantasies.

I still remember how you used to promise me things. I still remember you telling me that you wanted to marry me one day and telling me a story when I asked you to tell me a bedtime story. It was really short and it didn't look like it meant much to a third party, but to me, it was what made me happy and I really felt like I had you in my arms. I still remember you telling me that you wanted to go out with me someday, I still remember you telling me you wanted to hug me for god-knows-how-long before letting go, after the examinations' period. I still remember how you used to tell me I'd never lose you. I still remember you promising you'd never break me. But, you did.. You left. Forever...

It's Monday tomorrow. I fell out with Singying and Patrine knows about it. Fenna doesn't, and Fenna doesn't even know that Sy's ignoring her and she's still treating Sy as her best friend. I'm just afraid that...she'd get hurt in the end. Also...both our classes will be having P.E first thing in the morning tomorrow. I'm scared, scared that I'd see you and break down. I don't know.. *sigh.

Every night I just kept thinking, wouldn’t it be nicer if I could sleep in your warm hug ? Wouldn’t it be great when I wake up early in the morning to get your warmest and gentle kiss ? But every thing is I WISH.

Tried and tried but I just can't fulfill it.

I hope you're doing fine. 'Cause I don't really want to ask anyone nor know the answer. :/ Hope everything's fine and you're fine and coping well, hope it won't affect you too much. Take care of yourself, because I can't help but only be able to watch you. And...I've never cried as much as I did last night. Everything just crashed and I was burying my face under my pillow and just crying my heart out. No one heard.. No one knew, no one cared. And even after what happened last night.., I still do look at your profile. I went through our old posts, I went through your texts, your photos again..

Anyways, it's my brother's Chinese birthday today. So...happy birthday bro! And, Chengyong came up to my house today early in the morning. Went to the coffee shop below my house to have a feast with my parents, brother, Gibston, Chengyong and Aaron. Went back up to the house while my parents went to my mother's boutique and currently slacking at home.

Life goes on even without you.

Okay, so...my feelings are continuously swaying back and forth. So it's like, one second I like him, the next, I tell myself that I hate him but turns out, I still do love him with every single piece of my heart and it's killing me. Dedicated post:

I'm not the most good-looking girl nor the smartest. I'm not even good-looking nor smart, in fact. And to be honest, I've nothing but a heart and words to offer you. Sometimes, I'm so useless that I can't even prove the fact that I love you. But ever since I've met you, I started to try out lots of things to do and make. Some to come in handy when you need it, some to just put on display. And I know I haven't done much for you, and I'm boring like shit to be with now that I think about it, but I do hope you still keep the timetable I made, the box of hearts and the monthsary card. I hope you still remember the cookies I baked.

For as long as I can remember, I've always been that crybaby. I grew up getting more violent each year, until I started making a change in Secondary 2, which is this year. But when I needed someone, no one was there for me and I knew what went wrong so I desperately wanted to change myself. I got out of a relationship at that time, and I regretted so much and wanted to just have him back. And even though he and I didn't do much, I really wanted him back so badly. Until...I talked to you.

I started talking to you one day when you asked me if your hair looked like shit 'cause of your haircut some time ago. Ever since that day, I've been trying really hard, much harder than before, to get out of that one-sided love. And the very next day, I told you my story with him. You told me this: "What the fuck was he thinking?" and you were amazed that it was him, that broke my heart. That same day, I gave you my number and we started chatting. On 16th of April, we decided to put that relationship status just for the fun of it. It soon became real to you. And on 30th of April, I poured out my feelings.

And on that day, you told me this: "how about we just let things go naturally? Its good that you no longer think about him or rather you shouldn't... Frankly speaking, I've totally forgotten every other girls i had in my mind. It's totally occupied by you totally now . I love you, so no matter how you disappoint me, I'll still try to hold on. You're my baby love, i wouldn't want to lose you. therefore im willing to wait and be there for you through out". That was what you promised, but it didn't last long..

We were together for 52 days. And I know I haven't been a good girlfriend to have thought about him even during our relationship. And I'm not a good person at all considering all the bad things I've done and I know I'm really boring and depressing to be with. Yet, I have to let you know. You're the first boy I've ever made the effort to do things for with my most innocent intentions, and I felt like a child whenever I was with you. I could just let go of myself and my pride and do whatever I wanted, WITH you.

You're the first boy I've ever wholeheartedly committed myself to, the first boy that made my heart skip a beat when I talked to you. The first boy whom I've had so many dreams of and planned so many things to do together. The first boy I've hugged and kissed, the first boyfriend I've ever held hands with, the first boyfriend I've ever went out with, the first boyfriend whom I've watched movies with. You mattered most and I nearly lost my friends in the midst of loving you. I was tired and I wanted to just curl up into a ball and avoid anyone and everyone, but you were the one who gave me the strength to push on and keep both friendship and relationship.

I'm sorry that throughout those 52 days, I've been an asshole who has caused nothing but pain to you. I'm sorry that throughout those 52 days, I gave you so much insecurity and unhappiness. I'm sorry that I didn't realize how much you tried and how much you did to keep this relationship alive. I didn't realize how much you meant to me until we were finally over. I'm sorry I didn't realize how you felt nor how much you did when we always tried meeting up, whether at my house or on outings, or even in school.

I'm sorry you had to put up with all my stupid fantasies and bitchy and ignorant attitude. I'm sorry that I've never bothered to think about what you wanted to do or rather, what you wanted. I'm sorry I kept pushing you away and kept making you suppress those lustful desires when I knew that it was normal for a guy to think of it every now and then. I'm sorry that you had to put up with my emotions and be there for me to cheer me up even during those days when you were feeling moody, too..

People tell me that there'll be someone better, much better than you out there, somewhere. And people have been telling me about all sorts of stuffs about you and criticizing you when they aren't perfect either. And now I've already realized that you've left forever. But the innocence that lives within tells me that, you'll come back one day. Honestly, in my eyes, there's just no one as imperfect as you. You're flawed from head to toe, but it's just that very same imperfection that makes me fall in love with you and your silly ways. You and your cheerfulness and clumsiness. You and your silliest ideas...

Yet, what's past is past. Time won't rewind.. I just hope that one day, you'll come back. I just hope that I'd get to do all the stuffs we promised we'd do together, with you. Because just thinking of myself being with someone else when you're all I think about, really makes me wanna' cry.. I want to hug and kiss you again, I want to go out with you again, I want to be able to fly a kite with you. I want to be able to be with you. And one day, when we're both grown up, I want to be able to say "I do". One day..


Cramps are coming back. ;( It hurts..

The end is nearing.

I didn't get to say hi to you today after all. I've been told stuffs about you recently, and I know of a few of your exes, crushes and stuffs. But there were other stuffs your friend didn't tell me. She didn't want to even though she knew I might get mad, and she apologized for not being to tell me. I think you skipped soccer practice today. I guess so, since your examinations are coming up really soon. I really hope you'll score well this time, successfully be accepted into 4E2 next year without complications.

Today, I saw you marking your attendance and was walking by at the corridors of the Biology Laboratory, as usual. Natalie and some other girl accompanied you and you said bye to them and passed by the CABIN. I think I saw you turn your back, but I know I didn't get to see you. And that friend who didn't tell me stuffs about you, made me change my mindset of you now. I've been telling myself that I could get you back one day but sadly, it's all fake. It'll never happen. And who knows, you might have a new crush by now. If it's anyone in your class, someone like Yeehuan, I'd be happy. She's nice, ain't she?

Yeah, I'm fat and flat, I'm clumsy and I don't know what to say nor do at the right situation. I overreact, I scream and shout, I'm such a klutz and a tomboy and I'm stupid and can't do anything right. But...I do try my best to do things. Even though I might look like an idiot, I do try. And sometimes I screw up, but I'd laugh off it now. I won't pressurize myself too much but I'd always try just a little too much before realizing it's futile. I know I'm ugly and depressing to be with but...I really loved you. I really did.

Whenever I heard your name, I'd smile to myself secretly and hopefully eavesdrop in a conversation about you when other people are talking. When people called me "Zhansong" in the past, I used to always tell them to shut up. I still do, but the difference is that, now, you're no longer mine. Whenever I heard your voice and thought about you, I'd laugh and smile to myself and people would think I'm mad but I'd think I'm perfectly fine, which is true. Whenever I told you I love you, I meant it..

But now, everything's gone. You're gone, everyone is gone. No one exists in my heart now, and I feel so empty. I used to always wonder why we broke up, I used to always wonder if you still felt the same way as in the past. I used to always wonder if you remember and keep all the memories and stuffs I gave to you. And now, I still do go to your profile every day. I do still keep the keychain I wanted to give to you. I still do write many stuffs about you. And I don't know how long it'll take but I just hope I'll be over you, really soon. 'Cause I'm tired of crying and feeling sad. I'm tired of screaming and going high when all I want to do is just sigh and roll into a ball and just kill my emotions. I'm tired..

My thoughts would break your heart.

"What an artist draws, the drawings show their hidden emotions."

I want to be able to say hi to you tomorrow. I don't know when nor how, but I'll try. And hopefully, at that time, you'll say hi, too. I want us to be friends again, I want to be able to have your blessings on my birthday, I want to know that I still matter, I want to believe that I matter and you do think of me every now and then. I want you to lie to me and tell me that everything was real and you really loved me. But who am I kidding, I'm just a liar. A liar to reality, to friends, and even to myself. I'm pathetic.

You are the best thing, that's ever been mine.

What do I do when the best part of me was always you?

School as usual. Went to the parade square and met up with Sy and Sabine. Had to show them my drawing and they were like, "WOW." so overreactively. Continued my art while in class and didn't do much for English. Mother Tongue, had to listen and write stuffs. Maths, continued with quadrilaterals' drawings. Recess, slacked with the usual people. Science, wanted to sleep but continued with the coloring. Double D&T, went to the workshop where 3E2 goes to and saw your name, you got C5 for D&T.

PC, continued with the drawing and stayed for a while before going to Square2 with Hiran and Patrine. Bought milktea and KFC and accompanied them back to school and passed by 3N2 and they were singing a song, insulting LawrenceLim. Wasn't sure what the song was, but had the words "pedophile", "little girl", "little dog". And some stuffs about upskirting. o.o Then, went past foyer and said hi to Ingrid. ^~^ Ayes, went back to class and continued. Worked with the clique and Emmanuel. Miss Yap came down, settled some stuffs and went off.

Anyways, I should really stop procrastinating. Was talking to Ingrid just now and she said she had stuffs to tell me tomorrow. :P There's a history test tomorrow on the Suez Canal and I had no idea until today when Sy said it. So...gotta' actually REALLY rush this time. The answers are super long and reading them makes me want to kill myself. -.- Jiayou jiayouuuuu!


I didn't get to see you at the foyer today. Instead, I saw Ashley, Huiyi and the rest. After going off from class at 4.30, I saw Wenxiang and the rest with Miss Pay at the Mac Tables. After passing there, I got to see ChinMing and Jolene but there were no signs of you. Outside of school, I saw Juztin, Yuenfone and Jarell. Yuenfone saw me in the car. And then...down the hill, I saw Huiyi and Ashley. Ashley saw me, too.. I got to see your friends, but I didn't see you..

I hope you're doing fine and coping well. I smiled today when I remembered us at the canteen, when you bought noodles for me. I don't remember when, but I remembered that your friends came to disturb us- Azmi, Jiawei and the rest. I remember when we were snatching the bowl of finished noodles after we were done eating. You didn't want to let go and wanted to put it in the pail. I remember all those tiny little moments.. And I really miss them. ;(

Memories burnt in the back of my mind.

School as usual. Funfit duty with the P.E Leaders, saw you at the parade square from the street soccer court. Said hi to ChinMing and was talking to Joyomitro and Azman while the sec3s played basketball while sec2s played badminton. Went off after that and free period for Literature. History next, wrote notes. Double Science, headed to the Science Lab and received a text from Ted. Starting chatting all the way and Patrine told me stuffs about you that were told to her by Alvin. Recess, slacked.

CME, free period. Double Maths, had to do a test and I screwed up big time. Overall score was 50, 13 marks fly. -.- Mother Tongue, had to do newspaper article but I was lazy. Promised to pass it up by the end of today but I'm already home so...oops. :X After that, went to Square2 with Patrine, Fenna, Abigail, Sabine and FanXing. Saw Sandra, Wenxiang, Malvis and Jeremy. Also saw Amani's older sister at KFC. Ate cheese fries with Patrine and paid for FX's meal, it's his second last day with us..

Went back to school and I saw the soccer dudes. After a while, you came out. Started cursing and ran away and to the parade square. Broke down and started crying in class and punched the door really hard. Drew Sizuru for the class decoration with the girls. :/ Cried like shit..


I heard, that when we were together, you used to suddenly call out for my name in class. I heard, that you once asked how I looked like 'cause you haven't really seen me before. Alvin heard you call my name once, and he was laughing when he heard. I don't know how far you sat from him but if he heard it, it must've been pretty loud.. Haha. I saw you at soccer practice today. You were with Juztin, as always. And this time..I saw you up close, in your soccer attire. And guess what? Your shirt number was 16.

Well...even after I went off with my friends, you were still there. I was waiting for my ride so I just waited there.. Walked down the road with Hiran for a while, and I wanted you to see. I wanted you to get jealous. But you didn't care.. So I just decided to slack there for a while. Passed by Ieqah and Jinghui, too. And, well...I guess I'm just really annoying, aren't I? Just so clingy and stupid and foolish. Abigail and Sabine told me that I could find a better guy than you, but I'm sure I won't ever trust again. Because.., there's just no one in this world who made me feel this much, more than you. Ozs, I love you. A lot.

I just hope..I'd get to say hi again. Just hope that we could be friends again. But it's pointless, hopeless..

16th's.

Woke up, saw Gibston's text and was feeling extremely sleepy. Throughout my breakfast, the word "sixteenth" kept ringing in my head. *faints. Headed to school, saw you marking your attendance. You went over to talk to Azmi and stayed there for some time before leaving. Thiru was taking charge, and you walked pass my class together with the other monitors after announcements. Classes as usual.

IPW, headed to the workshop, saw and said hi to ChinMing. ;) Continued work and started screwing around with the gears. Helped Mr.Wong put the boxes he took out, back into the storeroom. Free period during Mr.Sugu's period, went to sleep. History, copied notes. Off to Recess and this time, only Sy ate. :X Haha. Mother Tongue, was told of my test results- 48/100. D: FAILED BY TWO DAMN MARKS, !@#$%^&*()_+_

Double English, had to write composition on either a time when time seemed to fly, a time when you felt embarrassed or a time when you felt disappointed. All were related to you, so I just decided to write about friendship. :/ Then...Maths. Got nagged at by Miss Ng about tomorrow's test. I'm quite confident about the Pythagoras' Theorem, but not so when it comes to graph-drawing.

'nyways, went for lunch after school with some of my classmates. MinHao, Hiran, Abigail, Winny, Fenna, Patrine and Sy. Halfway through while waiting for Fenna, was outside the toilet and looking at your class. And also, saw Jasmine Teng(AhJas Tyr) in the school with Peiling. Saw some of your classmates, saw you and just screamed. ._. Headed to eat and a few of the 3E2s were eating at the table next to us.

Went for the talk after that, was about cyberspace-safety and pornography. :x The E1 girls kept laughing, wtf. Went off for a break and saw Colin. After dismissal, headed to the foyer and saw Ted playing, kept saying "Hi" to each other for no reason and Amani was like, damn awkward. Met up with MinHao and FanXing. And I saw you at the street soccer court. You were with your friends.

And...while I left, I'm not sure but...I saw your head turn the direction of where I was going, in the car..


16th's, did memories run through your head? Did you remember all the things we did, did you feel emotional or were your feelings never there? Did you wonder how I was or did you figure out that I would be emo-ing, 'cause there'd be your friends who'd tell you about me, won't there. Did you hear my voice echoing in your head? 'Cause that's what happened to me when I remembered you shouting "I love you". 16th's..

Monday Blues.

Woke up, went to school. Had to listen to Miss Chamb talk again for morning assembly.. Then, P.E. I was playing at the basketball court with Sy and Patrine and shouting away like some maniac while I was scolding Jiawei for snatching our court. You were at the soccer court and you were having fun with your friends. Tried to ignore you but Patrine told me you looked this way. :'/ It's been on my mind since that moment.. Then, double Mother Tongue. Did CL test, died. Halfway through, it rained very heavily. Hope you didn't play in the rain.. >< Then, D&T. Teacher selected my work to show the class, xiasuey max. It was a swallow, a heart and puzzle pieces, designs for the buzz wire game's wire.

And then...Recess. Didn't eat and was slacking with Patrine, Sy and Fenna. After that, double Art. Slacked at the first period but decided to get my lazy ass working and started drawing. Then, Science. Got back my test results- 14/27. I PASSED GOD DAMN IT FUCK I PASSED WOOHOOOOO. (Y) <-- overreaction. Then, History. Copied notes, learnt about who started World War II and who ended it. Assembly, had to plan about the notice board design. Next week's to discuss about the subject combinations for Sec3. :/

Chinese Orchestra next. Headed to the Music Room and saw you wheeling Hongwei again, after going back up to the second level. You were with Anand and the others.. Ingrid and Jolene talked to you, I was behind them. I was looking at you from behind and I finally had the guts to wave to you with a smile. It took so hard..but you didn't give a fuck . You just continued talking and then you walked away.. Felt fucking moody throughout and Ingrid told me some stuffs, which just further proves that your feelings have faded long ago. Or maybe..they were never there. Got disiao-ed by the conductor, practiced for 0109's performance. Ingrid got pissed off by people.. ;(


Ingrid, if you see this...well, haha, sorry I couldn't say this to you in person, I wouldn't dare to, so, yeah...:

Don't get to pissed off with people alright, they're not worth your time. Next time, when people like him throw stuffs at you when it's not even yours, just leave it. And don't get angry, mushroom cap will turn from red to white. xD And...you're not a horrible leader. In fact, I think you've been the best chairman. We've seen your efforts. Or at least, I have. I've seen how much you're trying to be able to lead the whole orchestra and I believe it's a very tough job.

But don't worry, just another year and you'll be able to get out of this shithole. I may not be able to help at all and quarrel with you just like I did today(because of the counting of the Erhu members), but trust me, at the end of the day, I'll always try my very best to help you out. And because of this very reason, I decided to join the committee to help you out. I know my joining won't help much and would most probably cause more problems, but at least I'll give it a try.

You'll support me, right? :) I love you Ingrid, so don't ever get angry anymore. To tell you the truth, I got kinda' scared. :X Haha. So yup, I'll try to talk to Miss Ng to see if I could help you out in any way. Until next time then, bye!

I wanna' know, can you show me?

Been procrastinating a lot lately. My D&T's delayed and is due tomorrow, and I'm only 1/2 done. :/ Well...slept at 1am last night because of the steamboat since it's the 15th of another month's Chinese calendar(applies to every month). Jack came to sleep over and well, he's still here playing Halo: Reach, actually. Been seeing your name and images all over Facebook again. And...I didn't know what to update so I guess I'll just talk about how we used to be, as always.

I guess this time, I'll talk about how I used to never get angry with you. Yup, so there were a few times when what you said would've pissed me off. But I didn't, and you got mad and told me that you didn't like me not flaring up 'cause you've been an ass talking about stuffs. Well, honestly, I did get mad. But it only lasted for a few seconds, or a few minutes. But when that happens..I don't reply you via text. I get so emotional and start worrying, then I'd cry. Without reason, actually. Then I'd remember all the stuffs that we did since 1604, and I'd start smiling regardless of where I am. Regardless of how mad I felt at that point of time, everything just dissipates.

And then...I remember this one time when I got really mad at you, on 14 May. You were talking dirty(as always), but this time, I really flared up. I didn't know why.. I ignored you that night and didn't text you for the whole morning. I got mad at the fact that you didn't even say hi and thus I started posting crap about you on Twitter, which soon got noticed by Colin. He told you, and you apologized to me. Then...I forgave you and we were okay again. But...I pissed him off. :/ So yup, haha. Hm...I miss you. </3

Stuffs.

THINGS A GIRL WISHES HER BOYFRIEND KNEW:
* I want you to hug me from behind, unexpectedly.
* I want you to give me your hoodie when I`m cold.
* I want you to hold me and keep me warm.
* I want you to cuddle with me and watch movies together.
* I want you to kiss me in the rain.
* I want you to hold my hands and play with my fingers.
* I want you to play with my hair.
* I want you to take amazing photos with me.
* I want you to come to my house and meet my family.
* I want you to lay on my bed with me and just hold me.
* I want you to let me dress you up and make you look silly.
* I want you to watch sunrise with me.
* I want you to give me piggy back rides daily.
* I want you to kiss my nose.
* I want you to wipe my tears away.
* I want you to tell me that you miss me already even if we were together five minutes ago.
* I want you to drop everything and hug me tight.
* I want you to take me on a picnic.
* I want you to snuggle with me in the movie theaters.
* I want you to squeeze me as hard as you can when you hug me.
* I want you to smile every single time you see me.
* I want you to know how much I love you.
* I just want you.

THINGS A BOY WISHES HIS GIRLFRIEND KNEW
* I want you to let me play with my/your hair
* I want you to accept my compliments
* I want you to listen to me sometimes
* I want you to smile for me (guys love their girls smile)
* I want you to hold my hand unexpectedly
* I want you to tell me silly jokes and pick up lines
* I want you to watch Pixar/Disney movies with me
* I want you to try to play video games with me
* I want you to tell me silly stories
* I want you to sing and dance randomly with me
* I want to take pictures and make couple videos with you (even though guys may not show it, we enjoy taking pictures and making videos)
* I want you to not make fun of my little imperfections (sometimes it gets to us)
* I want you to kiss me
* I want you to bite my lip occasionally (I cant speak for all guys, but damn it feels good)
* I want you to tell me you love me
* I want you to tell me you missed me when we finally get together
* I want you to accept me for who I am
* I want you to love me unconditionally
* I just want to spend time with you
* I need you to know that I love you so much

Love knows no boundaries.

It’s funny how people end up together.

Whether it be from meeting with friends or the fact that you fell in love with your friend. It could even be with someone you have never met in person or even someone you’re with all the time. I can’t say how, where, or even when feelings may start for the person you’d maybe least expect to fall for, but when you do it’s a magical feeling. It’s the feeling of not just love or trust, you can say it’s a bond between the both of you. These feelings aren’t easy to form let alone easy to keep. They can be gone in a heart beat but they can also last for a life time. You never thought who you may end up being with, it could be that girl/guy across the food court, or someone new that you just met with your friends or at school. But for some like my cousin and friend it could be with your best friend.

I guess you can say it’s amazing how the person you’ve always dreamed of that is perfect could be the one you’d least expect to fall for. I can’t say that love will always prevail and that feelings won’t fade but the person you’re with is the one who gives you happiness, who has no filled that missing gap in your life. Without him/her there will only be empty space, the space of loneliness.

Love me imperfectly, trust me without doubts.

Relationships fall and whither because eventually someone stops trying and it doesn’t feel the same. The first couple of months or even years it may be the best thing you ever wished for, but eventually someone loses feelings, gets to busy, or doesn’t even bother to try. You know what? Because they’re comfortable. The beginning is all about the chase. Can you keep up? If you can then you’ll get the hang of it and then you won’t want to try anymore. You aren’t afraid to lose them because they’re yours. Arguing leads to fighting and it just gets worse from there. It all flashes by so fast. So, cherish what you have.

“The shy ones have something worth hiding. Either that, or they are deathly allergic to being seen by anyone, and sometimes even themselves in the mirror. Some people aren’t just cut out for spotlights and attention, even though many dread it and at the same time desire it. The shell we thrive in is just so tightened it doesn’t need to be broken, though some who are in it wish it was destroyed completely. And as confusing and contradicting as that was, being looked at is something sick in of itself. To be stared at, for whatever reason and to be analyzed, for whatever intentions. If you think about it, we are sparing ourselves manic thoughts and preparation by being shy. It’s not exactly what we all want, especially if you know someone who is terrifyingly shy, but it’s something we just do. For whatever reason, we don’t like to be watched by a couple of idiots who don’t know when to leave us alone, and when we need them most.”

‘I love you’ means that I accept you for the person that you are, and that I do not wish to change you into someone else. It means that I will love you and stand by you even through the worst of times. It means loving you when you’re in a bad mood or too tired to do things I want to do. It means loving you when you’re down, not just when you’re fun to be with. I love you means that I know your deepest secrets and do not judge you for them, asking in return only that you do not judge me for mine. It means that I care enough to fight for what we have and that I love you enough not to let go. It means thinking of you, dreaming of you, wanting and needing you constantly, hoping you feel the same way for me.

If you don't tell me anything, I won't ever know.

Classes as usual. Maths > 2xP.E > His > RE > Eng > Sci. Got caught by Mr Yeong for not bringing my Mathematical set when Miss Ng didn't notice, had to stand for the whole period. -.- Gossiped about stuffs with Amani, Fenna and Winny. Winny wanted to have a more feminine body, wtf. ._. History, went through work.. Recess, slacked with the same people, didn't eat. English, don't remember. Science, did test on electricity, I think I screwed up. Hopefully will pass. :/

After school, I went to the Music Room with Patrine and Singying. I had lunch while they accompanied me, I saw Juztin. I saw you. You were pushing Hongwei in his wheelchair and you were smiling and went all the way to the General Office, and then to the foyer. Marcus and a few others passed by and talked to you while you accompanied Hongwei and waited for the taxi. Halfway through, Supriadi came into the scene while I was looking at you and started shouting your name.

I'm not sure if you turned but..I got really pissed at him. I slipped down against the wall and broke down later. Then...you sent him off and went to the General Office to return the wheelchair, before going back to class. I went to 3N3 to assemble for Chinese Orchestra's sectional practice, you didn't come out until after some time. I was crying at that time, already.. I kept hoping to say hi to you, but every time I wanted to, it's either you or me that turns away immediately. And to tell you the truth, every single time I see any sec3 that I know, and is related to you, I get this really huge fear and I just want to avoid them and hide.

Especially your classmates. Yeehuan, Jolene, Samantha, Jiawei, anyone. So...you finally went out. And after I noticed you did, together with Malvis, I went up to the Music Room, knowing you were outside the staff room, and went to find Patrine. Abigail went back to class with me, I didn't get to see you.. Patrine told me she walked pass you and Mr.Yip. So...practiced as per normal. There's this performance coming up, on Teacher's Day, at night, at Marina Barrage. We've V.I.Ps. I just secretly hope that one way or another, I'd get to see you there. But I know I'm just lying to myself.

Anyway, I went up to your classroom(original) to find Patrine. We headed to the canteen and I walked towards the soccer field. I didn't get to see you, and I kept looking around. And I noticed Juztin, and saw you in the soccer attire. You were there, practicing. I'm glad you go for your CCA now. Went back to class after that and continued practicing. Colin and Ashley were next door, I think it was some monitor-related stuffs. They went off at about 4.30. Erhu got dismissed at 5, had to meet Miss Ng in the Music Room for debrief. Most of the people I know are going, which is...a good thing, I guess..

You talked to me, we dated, you got tired, we broke up. Maybe.., I'm just fated to be dumped by guys 'cause of how much I want and tend to hang on until it's really over.. I'm not needed by anyone, anyway.

Emo little girl why do you keep emoing. STOP IT.

I read a lot of posts on tumblr. A lot of them were related to you, one way or another.. I just feel so lost, knowing that we can't be friends so long as one of us still loves the other. And in this case, it's me. I'm the reason and the barrier between us. Because of my feelings, there's just no way for me to just talk to you like some other ordinary dude I talk to all the time, especially when you know..that I've a crush on you, still.

"Be a lover, not a fighter. But always fight for what you love." I've seen that quote so many times, it's cliched. But...even so, I know I can't. I can't fight for what I love because I don't know how to because of my fears. I fear that you might not even care even if I win, much less, if I lose. If I lose the battle, I would not even have the guts to face you anymore. I just can't do it.. And honestly.., I miss how we used to be.

I wonder if you still keep the monthsary gift I gave to you. I wonder if you still keep that timetable I made for you which took me a night, and I lied to you telling you that I was going to bed when I was still up and awake, risking myself to be exposed by my parents 'cause they were awake, too. I wonder if you do still think of me once in a while, but I know I'd just be lying to myself if I said you do. I wonder if you still remember all the things we did, all the special dates of our firsts. In fact, I wonder if you still remember me.

Did you know? In 5 days time, it would've been our fourth monthsary, if we were still together. We could have, but we didn't make it. And in another month and five days, it'll be my birthday and our supposed-to-be fifth monthsary. And I guess...I won't have anyone to spend it with again this year. Rather disappointed but..oh well. 16 is quite a common number, ain't it? I've been seeing it all over the place recently. I still keep that Maths worksheet you did for me. I still keep the memories, because you've never given me anything solid to keep, and you do know, I didn't mind. And I won't, ever.

I've been having suicidal thoughts again, lately. No one knows. No one ever will, except for those who read this blog. This link's displayed on only my Youtube account, apparently. My Facebook's blog website was removed 'cause I set its privacy to "Friends of Friends". Not only suicidal thoughts, but I also wish to run away. Like, just hide from anything and everything. A place neither friends nor family can find me. A place that has peace, and a place no one will ever think of, to find me. I'd like that, even if it's just for a day.

Sure, I might feel alone. But...I might just be able to see who would care enough to miss me. In fact, I just want to die and see who would miss me, who would regret not cherishing me and who would regret other stuffs. But I bet, none will. Even if my friends- classmates- keep telling me to stop emo-ing, deep down, I know they've long given up. They just treat me as a hangout buddy and a "shield" to help them fight the guys because they get "bullied". That's what I am to them. In fact, I'm nothing.

Today, one of them said this: "I can't believe this. YiLin is such a vulgar person yet she's allowed to try a trial to get into the (Chinese Orchestra) committee?!" so sarcastically. I know it was meant as a joke, but she had no idea how much it hurt, deep down. They told me to change, and they told me they'd give me time. I did try, I am trying. But your judgment ain't helping at all.. Are you sure, you're my friends? :'/

I know I sound kiddy but..it's what I think. So yeah, I'm practically just ranting it all out and I guess there's no need for you people(if any), to read this. But if you did..., thanks. I don't know who would but really...thanks.

Happy Birthday Justin Joyomitro!

^ Scenery outside the master bedroom, this was around afternoon time. :)

So...prepared to go to school, and I'm quite prepared to screw up my Literature and Science test. Including the fact that my D&T's incomplete, I'm going to get some demerit marks. :/ Sad. Ah well. At least I studied my Chinese. This week's pretty easy. Will update after I get home. So...went to school, had to walk a longer path to get to the canteen, went with Fenna, Patrine and Sy. Morning Assembly. Classes as usual, I copied for Literature test. :/ And, Science was delayed to tomorrow.

I screwed up my Chinese test and my D&T failed, by one mark. 11.5/25. -.- Then...I think Patrine told the others that I copied. :/ Recess, then Science, then D&T. Got asked by Mr.Wong to help his class design his class' notice board- 1E2's. Saw Yeehuan and Samantha and the rest walking pass during D&T. Rejected straight away, I feel bad. During PC, had to go to the Hall for the Mihara stuffs. There was one that was the most hot and most handsome among the guys- Okugawa Itsumi. 2N2 danced, like, ew. -.-" Maths ERP after that, slacked.

Had to stay back 'cause I got caught for not doing my graph, together with Emmanuel, Amani and Keniko. Completed my work and just slacked there 'cause Patrine, Sy and Abigail were away. Taught Keniko simultaneous equations and talked to Miss Ng about C.O. Gossiped with Amani and found out about Grace Tang's ex. Aron Tan.

Was heading to the Music Room and saw Supriadi, said hi and rushed off. After that, went to find the ladies at the Music Room and saw WeiJian together. He guailan-ed me. ._. Slacked around there and birthday boy Justin Joyomitro came in. Abigail gave him a lollipop. He played Sadness and Sorrow, Rivers Flow In You and some other song. Ingrid joined in. ;) Wanted to go to her class but she rejected me, BAD GIRL. :c And tomorrow, she won't be coming to school. ;( </3

Went to the D&T workshop and slacked around, saw Jiawei and co. Edwin was in the D&T room and came out to chat, Kenneth joined in after that and the E1s were released- Juztin, Leroy, Jessika etc. Jazz was slacking at the carpark area. Was with Patrine, Abigail and Edwin and we started comparing eyesight without our glasses 'cause he broke his yesterday while playing basketball, genius. Singying left and so did I.

Exhausted.

^ For the photo above, yes that's me in my specs, at night, and yes I'm in the toilet. Get over it. ._.

So...yeah. Finally decided to update for today. Super duper tired today right now and I don't even know why, but I know I cried just now for nothing and I felt very scared of idk-what-either. Feel so retarded right now. Just, suddenly cried, wtf? So yeah. Woke up today and headed to some place at Toa Payoh Central, outside Courts, and prayed for family and stuffs. But in the end, guess what, the only motive my parents had for going there was to get the goodies. W T F. Cheapskate 'til this extent?

Furthermore, after that, they went to Courts. And they were looking at television sets. The expensive ones at that. -.- And my brother kept talking to them and the salesperson kept recommending television sets to us and I was walking all over the place. I found a pair of earpiece I wanted, and I asked mummy if she'd let me buy it. Guess what: STRAIGHT REJECTED. Fuck seriously. Willing to buy a television set for god-knows-why when the television at home's just fine, also unwilling to buy earpiece? -.-

Drifted off in thinking about him, as always. Scolded myself and nearly slapped myself, clawed myself until my arm's red just to stop myself from thinking of him. Oh god, overreactive right? Zzz, stupid me. Tests tomorrow, I haven't even studied. Literature, Science, Chinese. Prepared to die I guess, fuck. Haiz. But honestly I still wonder why I was so scared. Over what? I don't know. Tsktsktsk, YiLin, you really mental alrdy. Get a hold of yourself you stupid girl.

Letting go.

 

It's time to let you go. Because I know that no matter what I say nor do, you won't come back. I know now.

Okay. So...I'm starting to push people away, again. Bryan Leong, and my clique. Seriously I've had it with people who constantly talk to me. It makes me feel like I've no space to breathe at all. Facebook ain't a place to spam all your stuffs and conversate. You want to do that, go to MSN. Don't tag me in some fucked up post and keep spamming like no tomorrow. You've no idea how annoying it is 'cause YOU people are the ones spamming, fucktards. Yes, you. Bryan Leong, Sy Lim, Fenna Ho, Yamamoto Hikaru. -.-

I've nothing against you Bryan, but seriously, just leave me alone, k? I've had it with trying to act friendly and receiving praises. Not that it's a bad thing, but I know that at this rate, I'm going to lose myself. The worst part is, I told you about my stuffs when we're not even close, when we haven't even met in real life. And to the rest of you: JUST STOP FUCKING ANNOYING ME. Fucking had it with all your stupid spams. Type in full sentences very hard? Must use one word, must use more than 2 comments to type out what you want to say? -.- Dumbfucks.

Everything's going to be over soon.

Well...Happy National Day, happy birthday Singapore. Staying home today I suppose. Nothing to update, but I guess I'm missing you more than usual today. No idea why, but yeah. :'/ I wonder if you went out with your class yesterday. Captain America, was it? Haha. I can't see your class group now so I've no idea. Just hope that you're doing fine with life, well, most likely you are. I just kinda' miss the memories, the times we spent, and miss you, I guess. Or...the old you. I don't know. I just hope..I'll get over this very soon.

Anyways, talked to Ted recently. Last night to be precise. His life was getting more and more fucked up and I seriously hate that girl right now, the one he has a crush on. People might think I'm jealous of her but I'm not. She might be cute and all but...her attitude towards him is seriously F U C K E D U P. Seriously girl, if you rejected him, don't even bother accepting that iPod Nano for pete's sake. He might say that it's only for you but SERIOUSLY, have you no shame? Ew. Slut. Can't believe you'd make use of his kindness and love for you, to your advantage just for that iPod Nano. Hope it haunts your conscience.

Once upon a time, I was fallin' in love, now I'm only fallin' apart.

So...I noticed a lot of changes in myself. Before I realized.., I became really bitchy. I started giving attitude to those who cared, I started ignoring those who cared, I started hanging out and always self-pitying myself when I feel mistreated by my friends when they're the ones who were always there. I'm not sure what's gotten into me. But I know one thing: All this happened after I entered the life of Sec2. I feel more depressing, more high and loud, more annoying, more bugging, well, I did change for the worse, that's for sure.

I remembered when, in Sec1, I used to be really out-of-place, I belonged to nowhere. I hung out with Jonie and Melissa, but soon fell out with them and decided to move away before they kicked me out, and I joined Amani, Abigail, Ainul, Arina and Effa. We soon formed the group Drunkards. And amongst my class, I formed Gummis. We had 5 sapphire and 3 emerald gummis, and 3 topaz gummis. Then...a lot of things happened. Before I knew it, I was alone with Amani and Arina.

At about the start of year, because Arina didn't have duty, Amani had company. So I decided to hang out with the guys. FanXing, ZhiCheng, MinHao, Keniko, Taufik, YangZhi, QiRong, YongJun and a few others. We always hung out with Joyomitro and ShaoYi outside the gym area after our meals, and they were always with me and would wait for me if I had to get something or go to the washroom. We'd go back to class together and many mistook me to be one of the guys' girlfriend.

But soon after that, I left them. And...Arina got nominated to be a Student Councilor. She had duty during her recess, so it was just left with Amani and myself. Stranded, we just slacked around every day, during recess, doing our own stuffs at the stone table and eating and gossiping all the time. I noticed that and felt very uneasy. I didn't want a friend who was a mere gossiping partner. Though I knew that she was my closest friend and knew the most about me, but I needed my own space, and I soon went with Patrine, Sy, Fenna and YingLing.

And once again, lots of stuffs happened. Fenna soon left the group, but joined back later after Sy and Fenna patched back together. Then, YingLing fell out with us recently. It's her birthday today, too. And...well, I know many people have been talking behind my back. Like Jiawei and the others, I know. But obviously, there won't be smoke without fire. Obviously, it was something I did that made them gossip about me and badmouth me. I don't really have anywhere to go now..

And halfway through that period when I changed from Amani to the clique, I met him. I started talking to him and just within 3 days, we put that r/s status just for the fun of it. It became real since who-knows-when to him, and it became real to me after our outing on 24 April, 2011. After that..we started hanging out and just slacking about at the Mac Tables during the examinations period. And soon after that, we went out again. He soon fell ill, and...we broke up. Just like that, and I'm alone again, with nowhere to go..

I don't know what's gotten into me but..I know I've lost myself after stepping up into Sec2 life. Many stuffs happened and people changed. I changed a lot, and for the worse, apparently. Though I got less violent, everything else that's negative increased. Everyone that cared, left. Zs, Amani, Victor, Jinghui, FanXing, Jiawei, everyone.. And all that's left here are the people who are just faking it. There's just no point in going to school and meeting them all the time, anymore.. They don't care anyways...

National Day's Eve / Celebrations.

Today's just a half day and there's no classes so...I'm home early. Headed to school and met Patrine, Fenna and SingYing. Then, Sabine came in. She made us have crayon and glitter pasted on our face as a face decoration for the whole class. And yeah, put it on. Had Morning Assembly, Azmi screwed up and the whole school started laughing, and also when the Band screwed up the entrance of the National Anthem. Edwin was holding the school flag and Huiyi was holding a part of the National Flag. Tried to keep it in and not laugh but I couldn't take it. :X

Headed back to class and prepared for the cheer, went out and assembled at the Hall. First up was the sec1s, there was this kid in 1E2/1N1 I think, super awesome. Well...I must say, the sec1s didn't do a good job. Then, it was the sec3s. 3E1 performed, Ted and Karl were at the front of each microphone. :P 3E2, Justin Teo and you were leading the whole class, and you looked and sounded super cool! 3E3, Azmi was Ah gong, funny also! :P And 3N1 was using "Bad Romance", must've been Nathaniel's idea. :$

And then, finally, sec2s. 2E1 went on, didn't get to see 'cause we were backstage. Our class, well, I think we screwed up. Had major stage-fright. 2N1, 2N2, 2T1, 2T2 followed. After that, sang Tamil, Chinese, Malay and English language songs. Had ice-cream for the non-Muslims and the Muslims had Ferrero. >:( UNFAIRRR. Well...the monitors had to go get the ice-cream for the whole class, and I saw you giving it to your class from the back of the row. And you looked damn cool alright. :P Well...I miss you. And I didn't get to say hi to you.. :/ I wonder if you watched my class' performance, or were you putting your head down..

I saw Yeehuan looking at me today. Well, okay, I looked at her first. She was standing behind the monitors on the left of the stage, and while she was going down, I spotted her and just kept looking. Honestly I don't even know why I did, but I did. Then...I saw her turning back. Each time she did, we made eye contact for a second or so. Three times, to be exact. And each time she'd look away, I didn't know why.

To end off, a picture, of myself, duh.:

^ Sabine's crayon + glitter on my face, in the shape of a star. ._. Kinda' nice, but yeah it's still weird.

Another day tomorrow.

So...tomorrow, it's a half day. We've no classes, just morning assembly. We've no P.E tomorrow, 2E2 and 3E2, so we need not see each other. We need not have the awkwardness standing between us. I'm waiting for tomorrow, after hearing from Patrine about your class' cheer. You're leading them, you'll be in front. Well...I won't be. I'd be at the back, haha. I hope you'd notice me, I guess.

Or maybe we'd be lined up in a row, so everyone's standing in front. Oh god, that'll be scary. :s Well...I wonder who would wish me a happy birthday this year. I wonder who would truly care. I wonder, who would give me a present. :P And I wonder..if I'd get to spend my birthday with someone special this year. I wonder.. You're online now, you've been online for quite a while. But...we're not talking. :'/ I miss you.

once upon a time, i went to bed. I had a sleep. In my sleep , I had a dream, a dream about someone so beautiful i couldn't have her. the next day i woke up, I smiled. Because I've got you. The end (:

^ You told me that once, do you still remember? You always made me laugh, always made me smile whenever you talked to me. But...I always made you sad, didn't I..? I'm sorry.. :c 

Unappreciated.

Sometimes, I really hate everyone in my class. They all annoy me at some point in time and I just feel like ignoring them and slapping them if they come near me. But recently I've tried to ignore those feelings. After ignoring, I'd feel devoid of emotions, like some part of me is missing. My feelings, I guess. And to tell you the truth, I'm tired of fighting. Tired of quarrels and falling out with friends.

I never did want YingLing to leave now that I think about it, but she did. And at that time, I was so fed up that I just concluded that I hate her and our clique shouldn't accept her back. It's her birthday tomorrow, and I bet she won't expect us giving her a gift. In fact, I don't even have a gift for her. I feel horrible, y'know that feeling?

I'm tired of my classmates not getting along just because of minor quarrels and small misunderstandings that were left unsolved that soon mounted into huge problems and major communication breakdown. It just sucks. I just want everyone to have peace, is it that hard? I know, even I don't get along with everyone with the class, in fact, I don't think I get along with anyone in the class.

But at least, I'm neutral with them. I no longer pick fights with the guys nor get picky about who to befriend and who to ignore among the girls. I'm no longer that girl and I've tried very hard to salvage our class bond. But I can't do it alone.. All I can do is type, all I can do is whine. Yeah, I'm good at whining. In fact, it's the only thing I can do. I just need a miracle, I just want everyone to be together again.. Or at least just..stop quarreling...

So...I bought a camera from Gibston. Nikon COOLPIX L23. It's quite nice, and I've taken quite a few photos with it. And, of course, been camwhoring. <.< Lol. So yeah, it's quite nice, and I like the quality of the photos. ^.^ Back to work- drawing Kotori Kanbe for my dear daughter Singying, and I feel like dying.

Broken trust, broken promises.

I'm afraid. I'm afraid that one day, some girl will take my spot. That one day a girl will sit with you, laugh with you, smile with you, & have a good time with you. That one day a girl will realize that you’re amazing. That one day that girl becomes your girlfriend. That one day she takes my spot for good. That one day you will forget about me because you’re busy thinking about her. Yeah, that scares me the most. Because, I want to be that girl. I want to be only girl. I don’t want anyone to take my spot. Why? Because, if anyone takes my spot; there won’t be anyone else who can take yours... which is probably going to be the worst reminder that I lost my spot to her.

I'd treasure you this time, if only you'd come back. I won't be bitchy anymore, I'll change..

Even if you leave, it'll still be you.

So...first:

Happy Birthday Ted! Thanks for having been friends with me for these past few months. Do you still remember, when we met on my birthday for the very first time and you played To Zanarkand while hanging out with Alvin that time at the foyer? :) It was really awesome! Then, we started chatting every day and texting even in classes, though sometimes you tend to reply late. And then, well, lots of stuffs happened between us and we kinda' became strangers after that but we became friends again soon after. I'm glad we did, and I feel really bad for treating you that way in the past. I'm sorry yeah. :c Haha. So, well, it's your birthday today! And congratulations for passing the Auditions with Karl. I really hope to hear you play You And Me on the guitar alright, though you might not, and I'm looking forward to your performance! Good luck, take care and see you then! ^^

You posted two statuses, both in Mandarin. To tell you the truth, the grammar's a little off. LOL. But...yeah. I wonder what's the sentence. And I wonder who you directed that status to. (...)

It was all over before I knew.

I talked to you. Honestly, I wish I could have talked to you a little longer.. But...I didn't want to bother you.

I'm amazed at how you could pretend and talk as if nothing had ever happened between us. Amazed at how fast you got over it. All the more, surprised and already realized that you were long over this. Amazed at how stupid I am to continue holding on. They're all just empty memories, they no longer have their meaning. I didn't know what to say, and you figured that out, saying: "You don't know what to talk to me about isit? It's fine, just talk normally." I didn't dare ask much, and I only asked the basics. I didn't dare venture further down and into your circle of friends or anything. Just wanted to avoid all the awkwardness even though I already created the awkwardness by not figuring out what to say. I guess it's been put across now, what you want. I guess we're just back to friends.. I just..really miss you...

I held on too tight while you let go too easily.

There are a lot of quotes I found on Twitter. Too lazy to post them all, so I made the one I liked most, the title of this post.

Everything I do is just deemed wrong.

Got maligned twice today. Saw you in the morning, as usual. Classes as usual, ran 2.4km and had a basketball match with the girls. Slacked as usual for classes, then, Mother Tongue ERP. Did work while sitting beside Fenna and finally ended class. Went to the Music Room and saw Ingrid, Jolene, Patrine and the rest. Went to lunch with Ingrid, Jolene and Samantha. Saw Yeehuan today for the first time, she was at SJAB.

ChineseOrchestra, I was heading into the classroom when I saw you outside your class. You headed in immediately, I paused and stood there. I got slapped today by FanXing. It wasn't that hard(though it hurt), and I know it was by accident. But halfway through while fighting back to get my revenge, as how I always do thanks to my fucked up personality, I accidentally stepped on my GaoHu's strings and BOTH of them broke. -.- Gave it to the teacher and apologized but still got an earful, and that fucker still giggled and laughed. Got fucking pissed off, but calmed down.

Then, during the break, I hung with Patrine and she told me that Jiawei said she got more violent after changing her seat and sitting beside me. Emphasis: BESIDE ME. Wow, that sure is great. So, after not beating anyone up in her presence for so long, you tell me she would get influenced by me and get more violent? *claps* You're such a smartass. Fuck yourself please, look at your own attitude before talking shit about other's. _|_

I know I've a rotten attitude and I'm super clingy and I talk shit about almost anyone and everyone. I know I'm horrible. I know. But you know what? Maybe it's time for me to just shut the fuck up, ignore the world and do nothing. And that way, no one would get hurt nor annoyed, and I'd disappear from their lives.

No one will remember my existence.

Do you still remember our first hug when you came over to my house? You came over and was at the lift while I was already down and went to meet you. We headed to a coffee shop and bought my fries. I offered you but you turned it down because it was fried using the same oil as the one they used to fry the chickens, which meant that it wasn't edible for you due to your religious belief.

We walked over back to below my house and we just slacked there. We walked to a corner and you wanted to hug, but I held your hand and continued walking on to a place which was beside the badminton court. We hugged and I felt something. (youknowIknow :P) And after that...was when I told you about Jonathan and Ted. You told me this: "They aren't even worth mentioning."

And that night, you sent me this: "Baby, actually I wanted to tell you this when we hugged yesterday. 'I want to be in the same place where anyone had occupied your heart. But this time, baby, I want to stay. I love you.' <3" I fell asleep and woke up seeing that text and cried. And then, you called me a baka because what you wanted to emphasize on was the last sentence. :X

Then...4 days after that, on the 2nd of May, you came to my house again. You came up all the way to the third floor, but we hid at the staircase. Then we slacked there and you got a little emo and sat at the stairs by yourself. I didn't dare go close so I sat outside the staircase's door and just sat there..until you came over. You helped me up and...well..we kissed. It was really short if compared to all our others, and after that, I slipped down against the wall. You helped me up again. I went back to my house after saying bye, and I got really high. ><

You posted a status asking people whether you should reborn your hair if it grows. Honestly speaking, I really loved your old hairstyle. I didn't expect you to cut bald and come to school on the first day it reopened at Semester 2. I saw your comments that said that a few of your friends preferred you being bald 'cause you look decent. But...you looked better with longer hair. But, it's your choice. And I don't think you'd really care about my opinion anyways. Well...yeah.

In the midst of loving you, I forgot to love myself.

The title's random- I found it on my friend's status and found it meaningful. So yeah.

Well...I saw you marking your class' attendance today, you were in your uniform while the rest was in P.E. It rained before your P.E and I prayed that you didn't play in the rain or anything, and that you won't get sick. I hope you won't, if you did. Then...well..I met you and walked past you today, too. While you were with Joey and some other girl I couldn't really see. I caught a glance of you while walking behind Patrine, SingYing and Abigail, then shoved my head down and walked pass. I looked up a little but didn't look at you, and I felt the atmosphere feeling dead.

Everything just stopped, I heard nothing. I looked back but didn't see you looking.. So...after that, I went to the canteen and SingYing caught me crying. Talked to Edwin and went to the Auditions and Patrine and Abigail just rushed in and onto the chair. I followed. I saw you looking at my direction, but I'm not sure if you looked at me. Rajid, Aaron, Joyce, JunCheng, Ted, Karl and Alvin performed. Ted and Karl made it into the real performance, so did your group.

I didn't watch though, I left halfway because I was scared of staying behind because my friends have already left, and I was afraid of being alone, even though Hafizah was there. Went to the basketball court and ended up playing with Patrine, SingYing, Fenna, Abigail, Edwin, Jiawei, Anand, JLang, JiHyo, Alvin, Gaofeng, WanKang and Ryan. Edwin lost his temper at Jiawei and JiHyo. Noble side of his. (Y) Quite cool. :x

I got kicked out of the cheer team of our class for National Day, just because I took a longer time to understand the dance moves than the rest, and that I was more stiff than the rest. Just because of that, they didn't want me to dance. I wanted to help, but they rejected me. I felt horrible, I still do. And I just hope someone would notice how I feel right now and just help or talk to me. I just wish you were still here, so badly..

I just want you to remember me even when I'm gone.

I still smile when I hear your voice even after so long. I still smile remembering you. I still laugh when I see images of you, I still laugh when I think of you. I still do think of you, even after all this. And I don't even know why. But I know, even if you're on my mind throughout the day, you wouldn't give a damn. I've been trying really really hard. But whenever I go onto Facebook, I'd end up at your page whether I like it or not.. I'd see photos of you, from your friends like Colin(Random ~), Janice(National day celebration cum sapphire babes.) and and Rei(After Splendours). I'm sorry but..yeah. I'm sorry I'm so clingy, so unwilling to let go.

[Edit: 2100hrs]
I'm glad you're happy with your class, glad you could still smile. Whether it's real or fake, I don't know. But stay happy.

When nothing else mattered so long as we were together.

I saw you today walking out of the canteen. I looked and saw Juztin and a glance of you, but I didn't exactly see you. After that, I heard from someone that you were the one who planned the seating arrangement. I was told that you put the ones that you liked, closer to you while the rest whom you hated, away and as far away from you as possible. I heard that you put this girl called YeeHuan beside you and you guys kept talking to each other, ehs. Funny how when, at the Student Council-EXCO voting period, people would think it's me just because her name's similar to mine when pronounced, yet it's only just the first two syllables.

Honestly I don't have a clue why you do this, but I'm not planning to figure it out. Just hope you'd think of me once in a while and think, "Damn. I miss her." or something. I hope I still matter to you somewhere deep down in your heart, but I won't ever know. It's pointless, what I'm doing. Especially when I know you wouldn't read this blog, unless you still care. But, I won't know. I've been bottling up all my emotions recently; been keeping it all inside even though you're all I think about. All my work that I've done so far was motivated by you, because you're not only my crush, you're also a model student that I'd want to follow. I not only love you, I admire you. Everything about you. All my drawings, schoolwork, physical activities, everything..

Tongue-tied.

Feeling a little ill right now.. But I bet you wouldn't care. Somehow, somewhere in my heart.. You're no longer there. It feels as if..you were never there. I'm not sure. Was this how you felt when you were ill for those 5 days..? Because if it was, then I guess I'd never go after you again, 'cause this feeling of confusion seriously sucks and I'm not even sure if I love you anymore.. Just so confused...

Well...goodnight. I hope Azmi's alright. Cheer him up if he isn't, alright? It's your forte afterall.

There's no "I" in "TEAM".

I miss you when something really good happens, because you are the one I want to share it with. When something is troubling me, you're the one who understands me well enough. When I laugh and cry, I know that you are the one that makes my laughter grow and my tears disappear. I miss you all the time, but I miss you most when I lay awake at night and think of all the wonderful times we spent with each other.

School as usual, classes as usual. Irene Ng's stepping down thanks to her sorethroat, for the time being. Mr Yeong's teaching us for the whole semester, even after examinations. Got pissed off by my classmates again today because they fucking scolded me, Patrine, SingYing and Winny when we're the ones who are trying to gather the class as one. Got stared at by the others but we didn't mind, we sang. They found us annoying, we ignored it. We tried, but instead, we're the ones who got scolded instead of those who didn't try at all. Fuck?

After school, went to Square2 with Patrine, Fenna and FanXing. Saw Juztin and ZhengYu walking towards that direction while we were going back to school. Parted ways with FanXing while Fenna, Patrine and I went back and got called by Kamsari to give him our food(was a joke). Saw Edwin and Yuenfone at the parade square. Back to class, got to see only Abigail and SingYing. Slacked around, continued drawing Kotori Kanbe for SingYing while the others did their Maths graph. So...went to the Mac tables, saw Huiyi and Ashley. Then saw Jiawei, Alvin, Anand, Edwin, WanKang and Mr.Tan. Went off after that.

It's the 108th day since I've started loving you. It's amazing how long it's been and I realized I was a huge fool. But I can't help but just continue doing everything I do. Whenever there's things like games and team spirit-related activities, I can't help but want to try to bring the class together. Even though I can't, I just do try but I'd end up in disappointment when I see how we are, AS A CLASS. I find myself to useless, y'know? And...I saw you today. You came out of your class and looked down while I was looking up to your class. You turned away immediately and my mood just went from elated to dead. I didn't get to see you marking your attendance today. And...I just hope that you could talk to me one day, because I know I'd be afraid to talk to you first. Yet.., I'm afraid to talk to you 'cause I might fall for you all over again. 108 days..how long will this continue...

Oh, look. It's 1753hrs now. 160420111753, remember..?

In the blink of an eye.

Didn't get to sleep much last night.. Cried to sleep at around 5 and woke up at 6. Forced myself to laugh like mad. After P.E today, you were with your friends and class while I was outside the gym. We made eye contact again, and I turned away, avoiding you, again. It's been 55 days since our breakup. And I'm not even sure what I want now. It's as if I want to avoid you, yet seeing you is the only one thing I want to do every single day. Sometimes I do wish that we were never together, that we've never met and never did talk to each other. Because right now I just can't seem to stop; I'm in overdrive and my feelings are going haywire. Wish there was someone I could rant all of this to, but I just can't. Because I shouldn't burden people with my problems anymore. Yeah. And sometimes I wonder if you do read this blog. Because it'd be amazing that you could still be around me, even if we don't talk, when you know how I feel deep inside, all the time.

I deserved it.

I feel left out so often. Sometimes I feel that I don't belong to anywhere, and that there's no one there to ever support me. No one has truly bothered to care, no one I can rely on and will be there forever even though they promised they would. Everyone's just faking it and being a backstabber when I'm not looking and when I'm at my weakest. To them, I'm nothing. I've a rotten attitude afterall- I'm demanding, I make everyone do all the dirty work, I make everything much more confusing than it was in the first place and I screw everything up.

I know I get high at times and get annoying all the time, and I'd get pissed and emo at the most minor of things. I'm petty, I'm rude and I'm an embarrassment to anyone and everyone who gets close to me. I trouble everyone and burden everyone with my mere existence. I'm stupid and I'm just such a bitch. I gossip about people when I'm no better myself. I always give up halfway and I never do pay attention to what people say for me to change myself for the better. I think I understand how you feel all the time, now.

I think I finally know what it's like to be alone all the damn time and trust no one, not even yourself. I'm sorry I never did try to understand you and always blamed you and just didn't try talking heart-to-heart with you. I thought of only myself and I always thought that the world revolved around me and I never did bother to care about you and your feelings. I'm sorry I didn't give you my everything and didn't trust you enough. You did the right thing to leave me. You made me realize how immature I was.

But I feel that I still am that immature kid, and it seems I can't change. I'm such a disappointment, aren't I? I'm sorry.. I guess I should just shut up now. Just know that..I'm still around. I promise you: The next time we talk, I won't be the same anymore. It's just like your info, even if it's just song lyrics: If we ever meet again, I will never be the same.

Sometimes, when I get really lonely at night and I don’t know what to do, I wrap my arms around my teddy bear as tightly as I can, pretending that I’m really holding on to you. I do this because I miss you so much and it seems as if hugging my bear makes the pain go away. Every once in a while it feels the same as when I’m with you, except your arms don’t tighten around me, I don’t feel your lips on my neck, or you cheek against mine. Okay it isn’t the same, in fact, it kinda makes me feel even lonelier. It isn’t you in my arms, but I do it anyway. Because I don’t like giving up hope cause it’s brought you to me in the first place. And maybe one day, when I’ve kept my hope long enough, I won’t have to pretend you’re my teddy bear. 

So, I remember when I was love sick. I block out everyone. I feel so tired, because I haven’t slept in forever. I know that he’ll be in my dreams, but I don’t want to stay awake laying in my bed crying either. I’m starving, but I can’t eat because I’m starving for him and every memory just leaves me a bigger hole in my heart. Even my clothes remind me of him what I wore when we hung out. I can still smell him all over them, even though his scent hasn’t been there for long. I wish his scent would be stuck on me, but I know I’d be pulling at my skin trying to get him off me. I’m online, he signs on,  and I want to yell at him to go away, but I just watch the screen waiting for him to say anything, but then he signs off, and I tear myself apart for not saying anything to him. I stop talking to my friends, and they get worried and try comforting me, but they just make me feel worse because they think they know, but they don’t they don’t have a damn clue.

When I’m not there, do you think of me? When you’re sad and something’s bothering you, do you wish I was there to help comfort you? When you’ve had a long hard day, do you smile knowing that soon you’ll be seeing me, and everything will seem better, even if it’s just for a moment? When you lay down at night, do you look back and cherish the new memories you’ve made with me? And when you get up in the morning, does everything inside of you smile, knowing that this will be another day that we’ll be together? Because that’s how I think of you.

You’re looking at him across the room wondering just how it all slipped away so soon. You’re looking to find some look in his eyes that will take you back to yesterday. Don’t remember the when or the where or why. All you know is that something has changed inside and you can’t bring it back no matter how you try. You know it’s over, you’ve got to say goodbye. It’s such a shame, when lovers become strangers. It’s such a shame, when you don’t know each other any more and all the memories that you shared are all that’s still there. </3

Baby, I can't sleep tonight.. I miss you so much. I'm so sorry but I love you.